Memories came like an avalanche this week. It swept the landscape and left me wondering what good does reservation bring.
So many years ago when I was still a freshman, I developed an infatuation with a guy from down south. Just that I can not express it for some reasons. First because he is always with a schoolmate of his that appeared to be his girlfriend at that time. Second because I was obsessed with another guy and that it would appear that making people know that I admire multiple guys would lead them to judge me as no different from those parlor gays. Third because I have to keep my reservations. I may be loud and confident on most occasions but I am very reserved around guys. It is my self-made notion of the mechanism to send the message to guys that I am an NOT an easy one. I am very mad at the idea that gays are stereotyped as people who are generally lustful and would jump at every opportunity the male breed would offer.
A few years ago, I met a very mysterious person who once again captured my attention. He is of the serious type so I was surprised that he took time to indulge in a very soft and humorous flirtation with me. We both know that that is nothing serious but I forgot that after sometime and lost myself in his mysterious smile. The natural thing for me to do is to clam up and do a cover up. I ended up hurting myself and maybe him in the process due to my very rude and crude treatment.
After all these years what have I gained from refusing the truth? From concealing what I really feel? Coldness and insincerity. I learned to lie a lot to compartmentalize my life. Charot. Good thing is- no matter how alone I seem to be now, I am still a virgin. We come rare these days.
So many years ago when I was still a freshman, I developed an infatuation with a guy from down south. Just that I can not express it for some reasons. First because he is always with a schoolmate of his that appeared to be his girlfriend at that time. Second because I was obsessed with another guy and that it would appear that making people know that I admire multiple guys would lead them to judge me as no different from those parlor gays. Third because I have to keep my reservations. I may be loud and confident on most occasions but I am very reserved around guys. It is my self-made notion of the mechanism to send the message to guys that I am an NOT an easy one. I am very mad at the idea that gays are stereotyped as people who are generally lustful and would jump at every opportunity the male breed would offer.
A few years ago, I met a very mysterious person who once again captured my attention. He is of the serious type so I was surprised that he took time to indulge in a very soft and humorous flirtation with me. We both know that that is nothing serious but I forgot that after sometime and lost myself in his mysterious smile. The natural thing for me to do is to clam up and do a cover up. I ended up hurting myself and maybe him in the process due to my very rude and crude treatment.
After all these years what have I gained from refusing the truth? From concealing what I really feel? Coldness and insincerity. I learned to lie a lot to compartmentalize my life. Charot. Good thing is- no matter how alone I seem to be now, I am still a virgin. We come rare these days.
