Arte Mio

There was a time in my career when I felt like I was not needed at all- that what I was doing felt like way below standards. Have you ever felt that dispensable in a job? I decided to resign despite the fact that it was nearing the Yuletide season then. I passed my resignation and the big boss talked to me. He was the prime reason for me to stay on that job as he was gentle yet sharp on the job- caring yet unyielding in his pursuit for excellence. For a first job after college- this sort of a protective boss is a dream come true.

He left the job earlier than I did. He left us individual gifts and cards inscribed with his personal greetings. It was not the ordinary-generic greeting cards sent by bosses to their subordinates. All these years, I occasionally take it out of the box and read it. It never fails to restore my faith in my capabilities and assure me that someone- at least at one point in time is genuinely appreciative of my efforts. I have extended on that job for some months where I believe I have left a good impression- thanks to his letter that inspired me a lot.

Today that I am at crossroads, I took time to read the letter again. I cried just like before. Not because of the fact that I have satisfied my desire for some assurance but because of a deeper realization that I have long ignored. Together with his thought of assuring me that I am doing good is the effort to make me understand that the situation is two way. It should not be all about me- there is also that job i will leave who might value me but failed miserably to show it. I must not always be on the look for the protective boss for why can't I be the protective employee this time? I must not always yearn for explicit appreciation for at the end of the day,  what would matter would be the self fulfillment.

Years and distance might have separated us but he continuously inspires me with this letter that constantly reminds me of humility, of feeling content despite everything, and of sensitivity to others. He had also left me with a set of friends that I know I can keep for life. Like me, they were touched by his warmth. I will never regret having met him. I look to him although he may never knew how much it means to me that our paths crossed once upon a time.

The One That Got Away

How awkward can it be to see that your best friend is bound to be married to the man you have loved the most in your life? I used to laugh at dramas like this for I was thinking that once the mind gets over things, the heart gets over too. I guess I was wrong again for no matter how much I deny the truth, it is true that I feel envious towards a friend who will be marrying soon the one that got away. The endless barrage of "what ifs" still haunt me every time I see them together.

I will not play the part of the bitter gourd who will make the lives of the protagonists miserable by spending everything on my disposal just to prove my pain. For it is just a slight pain- a pinch in the heart that reminds you of possibilities with the one that got away. Endless questions whether you could have been happier and more fulfilled if you could have pushed for your feelings harder. Painful it is but not bitter. I do find joy in the realization that my friend will be happy and that they are fit together. Ironic that you wish them well yet somewhere in your heart you wish that the situation could have been better if partners can be interchanged.

It will be so much fun if they will invite me to their wedding. I might come in full regalia. I might come with the band. I might come with all the boldness I can gather.  I might put my best game face on and greet the newly weds while looking intently at the guy expecting him to react the same way I imagined. Am I sounding bitter now? Maybe not attending at all is a better option. No reasons for them to invite me anyway and no chances for any seed of bitterness within my heart to be liberated. Hoping someday, all the pain that is there no matter how small will be the one that will go away.