Nuwebe

Ever had that affection that despite all the relationships that may pass, it becomes a home where life will always lead you too? I have mine and it has been 9 Christmas since I have prayed to God that he grant me just a smile from him and it will be enough or make me forget him so it will pass. I thought with the passing of years it has passed but the intensity of how I feel now just proves that it has only concealed its self and waited for the right time to strike. That old affection hit me big time.

I have labelled him my eternal crush. For who would not fall for such guy? Smart, very pious, very smart, free of vices and relatively good looking. Name it and he is a complete package adding that he plays basketball awesomely and plays the leader role quite well. Now who would not confess to such guy? I actually mustered the courage and did about 9 years ago. It was the sweetest rejection I ever had and I still vividly remember it. Upon intimating my deepest affection of him, he told me of how God planned great things for us and that we are destined to be great men. 

I was not in the least hurt, I was actually more grateful that for a person as devoted to religion as he is, he managed to understand me or so I believe. A lot of those who know this find it amusing that after all these years and relationships, I still have not gotten over him. Why move on if it is worth waiting? Why wait if there is nothing to wait for? The mind knows that waiting is a foolish thing to do but the heart will always stick to the illusion of "maybes". 

Leaving Behind an Outcast

Am I that selfish that when you asked me to let you go and I was so afraid to do so? Can you blame me for that is just asking too much from me. I am afraid of being left with no one to care for me. I was conditioned to the belief that there never will be, but what human will ever be immune to that longing of having someone care? You came and I finally felt how it is to be cared- how it is to be truly cared. The past four years with you has been the best thing in my life so far.

Call us unconventional but it is truly how we were. What romantic relationship can thrive without sex- just pure respect and the idea of companionship? I thank you for you have taken the risk of having me. That in your line of job, you still have not been ashamed that I was the special one in your life. That even if you have a kid, you were never ashamed of telling him and your family who I really was in your life. So can you blame me if I have developed this emotional dependency and I refuse to let that go?

Between the two of us I have to confess I have been the one who lacked the courage. I have not had that boldness to introduce you to my family or to my friends for fear of judgement. Forgive me for giving in to my insecurities- that until now I cannot muster the courage to say what we had despite all your reassurances. I do no know what I feared; the fact that other people might judge you or the fact that I cannot reconcile with reality what we really had. To have someone like you was fantasy for me. 

So I thank you for all the things that you have done to me. For making me happy, for making me feel appreciated and for making me feel worthy. But I hope that you have not made me feel these only to take it all again and leave me with nothing. I was content with my cold distant world until you introduced love, care and appreciation. I may have at some point given up on us but you promised to hold on no matter what. I know you will never blame me for that is how good you are. You make me feel more guilty that I have been doing the guilt game ever since-for which I ask for forgiveness.  

There is Dignity in Losing

I have always loved contests for I am used to winning. A day before the announcement came, I already learned about the winners and the results depressed me. My entry which I have viewed to be the best among the entries did not even make it to the top 3. But who would not see their entries as the best? I was not prepared for the shock that I cried. I have poured my heart into the proposal, my very first as an environmental analyst, and I have failed. It made a huge blow in my confidence making me doubt if I can really go out into the world and share my environmental concepts. Will someone else appreciate it and see it as I see it? Have I made the right choice in changing my track?

It maybe a little consolation that these struggles came at the start of my adventures with environmental management. It can be said that I am to be inspired by these failures to make things better in the future. In my mind it is that way but my heart is disconsolate. Call me a sore loser but don't we all cry when things we have poured our passion into go unappreciated? It is even a bigger consolation that in the course of this competition, I have refreshed links with some old friends.

Yet it is wrong to question the choice of the judges. I respect their choice for there must be some wisdom to it. I have decided to make this event a deciding point in my career. That when I win, I will pursue it and if I am not I will revert to what I was doing. I guess I know the answer now. I will still pursue it. To each his own. I believe somewhere out there, there must be some who can truly appreciate what I can offer. I just hope the other entries have poured their heart out with what they passed- at least this thought is comforting.

Pray me luck. 

When Friendship Withers

Almost a year ago, I have severed ties with a person I have considered a close friend for a long time. Maybe it was part of the course of growing up to move out of the familiar zone and seek out the uncertainties outside. In doing so it does not necessitate to forget those that we hold dear but in my case, I believe it was.

Looking back, I think that the closeness that we once had was an illusion we have momentarily believed on. For there was no one to turn to, no better opponent to motivate each other and no other bright mind to appreciate whatever mundane things we do in our lives. We have most things in common so we clicked. We have grown to believe that we know each other. Do we? Looking back all I see is a pile of lies and deceit. I am not sure if it was how we defied the concept of "opposite poles repel".

Still I do not have regrets in sharing a considerable part of my life with her as it has been fruitful. I have  defined true friendship through her. I found that the most important ingredient to true friendship is sincerity- one thing that her or both of us are inconsistent. Whatever our reasons for the dishonesty, no reason can justify that.

I just hope that we can forgive each other for all the faults we made. So that if we look back and revisit all the memories we had as friends, we smile and be grateful of how each of us made impacts in our lives. I hope that whatever we have not achieved as immature friends, we achieve it as mature strangers.