Leaving Behind an Outcast

Am I that selfish that when you asked me to let you go and I was so afraid to do so? Can you blame me for that is just asking too much from me. I am afraid of being left with no one to care for me. I was conditioned to the belief that there never will be, but what human will ever be immune to that longing of having someone care? You came and I finally felt how it is to be cared- how it is to be truly cared. The past four years with you has been the best thing in my life so far.

Call us unconventional but it is truly how we were. What romantic relationship can thrive without sex- just pure respect and the idea of companionship? I thank you for you have taken the risk of having me. That in your line of job, you still have not been ashamed that I was the special one in your life. That even if you have a kid, you were never ashamed of telling him and your family who I really was in your life. So can you blame me if I have developed this emotional dependency and I refuse to let that go?

Between the two of us I have to confess I have been the one who lacked the courage. I have not had that boldness to introduce you to my family or to my friends for fear of judgement. Forgive me for giving in to my insecurities- that until now I cannot muster the courage to say what we had despite all your reassurances. I do no know what I feared; the fact that other people might judge you or the fact that I cannot reconcile with reality what we really had. To have someone like you was fantasy for me. 

So I thank you for all the things that you have done to me. For making me happy, for making me feel appreciated and for making me feel worthy. But I hope that you have not made me feel these only to take it all again and leave me with nothing. I was content with my cold distant world until you introduced love, care and appreciation. I may have at some point given up on us but you promised to hold on no matter what. I know you will never blame me for that is how good you are. You make me feel more guilty that I have been doing the guilt game ever since-for which I ask for forgiveness.