LATEten Reflection

I do remember a moment in the past when we had something special. Not necessarily in the romantic sense but I have felt and seen that indeed we shared something special. Afraid to challenge conventions, I opted the easy way out which was to shut you out and resorted to anger as my way of coping. As both of us confessed, we pursued life with heavy emotions towards that botched "something special". Despite moving it to the cellars of my memories, it has always persisted.

I acted the way I did for I felt insufficient- I have always felt unworthy. What stories will I share with you? What maturity will I show you? What strength will I give to nourish that "something special".  I thought that just me was not enough and that I must enrich myself.

After a few years of enriching myself, I tried to come back and make amends. But you have moved out of your old self which I have used as a benchmark and moved on into something greater. I was once again consumed by the thought that what I have worked hard for all those years have been naught because I was still not worthy.

I have always dreamed of that day when we can comfortably talk and settle these differences that have hounded me for so long.  Despite the years of these wounds, I have never grown immune to the pain- I long for healing.

I have to strive harder to be better and I thought I did succeed. I have fulfilled most of the plans I have at this point in my life, I have pursued the education that I want, I have enriched myself with the experiences, I have traveled far to get stories to share, I have met a lot of people and have packed myself with all the confidence and strength that I think we will both benefit from.

But you are abruptly  gone and I realize how I have always pursued something that might have not mattered. Maybe I will still be hounded by the wounds that we have not healed but I will live. Thank you for teaching me how to be content and to be proud of what I am and what I have.