Nuwebe

Ever had that affection that despite all the relationships that may pass, it becomes a home where life will always lead you too? I have mine and it has been 9 Christmas since I have prayed to God that he grant me just a smile from him and it will be enough or make me forget him so it will pass. I thought with the passing of years it has passed but the intensity of how I feel now just proves that it has only concealed its self and waited for the right time to strike. That old affection hit me big time.

I have labelled him my eternal crush. For who would not fall for such guy? Smart, very pious, very smart, free of vices and relatively good looking. Name it and he is a complete package adding that he plays basketball awesomely and plays the leader role quite well. Now who would not confess to such guy? I actually mustered the courage and did about 9 years ago. It was the sweetest rejection I ever had and I still vividly remember it. Upon intimating my deepest affection of him, he told me of how God planned great things for us and that we are destined to be great men. 

I was not in the least hurt, I was actually more grateful that for a person as devoted to religion as he is, he managed to understand me or so I believe. A lot of those who know this find it amusing that after all these years and relationships, I still have not gotten over him. Why move on if it is worth waiting? Why wait if there is nothing to wait for? The mind knows that waiting is a foolish thing to do but the heart will always stick to the illusion of "maybes". 

Leaving Behind an Outcast

Am I that selfish that when you asked me to let you go and I was so afraid to do so? Can you blame me for that is just asking too much from me. I am afraid of being left with no one to care for me. I was conditioned to the belief that there never will be, but what human will ever be immune to that longing of having someone care? You came and I finally felt how it is to be cared- how it is to be truly cared. The past four years with you has been the best thing in my life so far.

Call us unconventional but it is truly how we were. What romantic relationship can thrive without sex- just pure respect and the idea of companionship? I thank you for you have taken the risk of having me. That in your line of job, you still have not been ashamed that I was the special one in your life. That even if you have a kid, you were never ashamed of telling him and your family who I really was in your life. So can you blame me if I have developed this emotional dependency and I refuse to let that go?

Between the two of us I have to confess I have been the one who lacked the courage. I have not had that boldness to introduce you to my family or to my friends for fear of judgement. Forgive me for giving in to my insecurities- that until now I cannot muster the courage to say what we had despite all your reassurances. I do no know what I feared; the fact that other people might judge you or the fact that I cannot reconcile with reality what we really had. To have someone like you was fantasy for me. 

So I thank you for all the things that you have done to me. For making me happy, for making me feel appreciated and for making me feel worthy. But I hope that you have not made me feel these only to take it all again and leave me with nothing. I was content with my cold distant world until you introduced love, care and appreciation. I may have at some point given up on us but you promised to hold on no matter what. I know you will never blame me for that is how good you are. You make me feel more guilty that I have been doing the guilt game ever since-for which I ask for forgiveness.  

There is Dignity in Losing

I have always loved contests for I am used to winning. A day before the announcement came, I already learned about the winners and the results depressed me. My entry which I have viewed to be the best among the entries did not even make it to the top 3. But who would not see their entries as the best? I was not prepared for the shock that I cried. I have poured my heart into the proposal, my very first as an environmental analyst, and I have failed. It made a huge blow in my confidence making me doubt if I can really go out into the world and share my environmental concepts. Will someone else appreciate it and see it as I see it? Have I made the right choice in changing my track?

It maybe a little consolation that these struggles came at the start of my adventures with environmental management. It can be said that I am to be inspired by these failures to make things better in the future. In my mind it is that way but my heart is disconsolate. Call me a sore loser but don't we all cry when things we have poured our passion into go unappreciated? It is even a bigger consolation that in the course of this competition, I have refreshed links with some old friends.

Yet it is wrong to question the choice of the judges. I respect their choice for there must be some wisdom to it. I have decided to make this event a deciding point in my career. That when I win, I will pursue it and if I am not I will revert to what I was doing. I guess I know the answer now. I will still pursue it. To each his own. I believe somewhere out there, there must be some who can truly appreciate what I can offer. I just hope the other entries have poured their heart out with what they passed- at least this thought is comforting.

Pray me luck. 

When Friendship Withers

Almost a year ago, I have severed ties with a person I have considered a close friend for a long time. Maybe it was part of the course of growing up to move out of the familiar zone and seek out the uncertainties outside. In doing so it does not necessitate to forget those that we hold dear but in my case, I believe it was.

Looking back, I think that the closeness that we once had was an illusion we have momentarily believed on. For there was no one to turn to, no better opponent to motivate each other and no other bright mind to appreciate whatever mundane things we do in our lives. We have most things in common so we clicked. We have grown to believe that we know each other. Do we? Looking back all I see is a pile of lies and deceit. I am not sure if it was how we defied the concept of "opposite poles repel".

Still I do not have regrets in sharing a considerable part of my life with her as it has been fruitful. I have  defined true friendship through her. I found that the most important ingredient to true friendship is sincerity- one thing that her or both of us are inconsistent. Whatever our reasons for the dishonesty, no reason can justify that.

I just hope that we can forgive each other for all the faults we made. So that if we look back and revisit all the memories we had as friends, we smile and be grateful of how each of us made impacts in our lives. I hope that whatever we have not achieved as immature friends, we achieve it as mature strangers. 

Halik sa Pisngi ng Langit

I just feel that the pocketbooks as we call them are doing a great disservice to their patrons. It may be true that these romance novels are meant to ease away the difficulties of life but it is another thing to create delusions. It eases away the demons by creating entertainment but must not be to the point of creating a notion that totally misleads people. I admire those that write explicitly on their covers the disclaimer that the piece to be read is plainly fiction, somehow it helps inform the reading public that what they read is something remote from reality.

These stories are often identical. It seems that there are few molds of the stories they generate- they only change the setting and the characters and voila, you have another story. The same story of how two people met, locked their gazes and knew they were inlove. The story will often involve the rich or a Cinderella. And yet the readers find it appealing and seem to believe it can happen in real life. Is it possible that they write something a bit realistic without necessarily sacrificing the marketability of their stories? I hope that can be done.

I cannot blame those that write it as a tale based on a true story because it is. With the numbers they have managed to corrupt that love conquers all, indeed there countless people who have gone through love just like in the books. Yet not entirely for most of them, I am sure, did not end up happily ever after. For is there happiness in a relationship where the lady gives in very easily with just the kisses and stares of a guy? What kind of mentality is that? reducing women as weak organisms unable to resist the charms of men. If you do not find that revolting, then I do not know what it is.

The romance novel industry is being fueled by the huge following of the women from the lower brackets and few from the upper boxes who do not care about their image. Somehow perception evolved that reading this type of material usually associates the individual with low income brackets, lack of maturity and educations.  Tell me I am biased but it is how I see it.

Corporate Social Responsibility?

Very commonly heard that whenever a company plans for a CSR activity, the popular choices would be to spend a day at the orphanage or plant trees. I think majority of the companies I know choose tree planting. The environmentalist inside me finds it funny that I do not find that as an expression of responsibility at all. I see CSR as the opportunity of these private institutions to bring back to society. It is like their contribution to the betterment of humanity. I just think that tree planting without proper studies are more detrimental than contributary.

Tree planting can sometimes be a way of introducing invasive species. Instead of helping thicken the vegetation, it may compete for resources that will soon thin out the other plant populations. At this degree, the number of organisms depending on the eliminated population will also thin out followed by those that depend on them too. This may be an extreme speculation but not remote.

Irresponsible tree planting can also eliminate our endemic plants and animals. In the same manner as I have mentioned in the earlier paragraph, the capacity of the introduced specie to survive and adapt may be greater than those that are originally thriving in the area. As a result, annihilation of those that we originally have is possible. Sadly, at a rate that even us may not even give attention to. 

In my basic understanding of the environment, disrupting an ecosystem can bring effects that have not existed in our projections. Careful plotting of the interdependency of the organisms prior to introducing a population may be a helpful step in making the CSR activities more meaningful. The effort to help should not just be genuinely felt but must also be done the proper way.

I appreciate those that make the effort of thinking about how they can help with reviving the environment. We just need sincerity and  deeper commitment.

Shadows Fall

I just learned that my granny passed away today.

Is there such a thing as being prepared for the loss of someone dear? For if someone is really dear, no matter how much preparation is made there will always be the pain that will grip you. It is the sad thing with being born to a young family- you are not prepared for the shock of loss. You have known them to be vibrant and energetic forgetting that they too grow old and will someday go. Even if old age is bound to take them, it is still sad as the years of being connected with them made as much impact in your life.

It is a personal experience to have my grandparents and uncles while they are strong. I can vividly remember vacations filled with picnics by the river, swimming or just simply going to the fields together. The fields back home are heaven for the young as you get to find a lot of fruits and get to eat them while leisurely sitting under the shade of the tree. I have all remembered my relatives as strong and happy. 

A few years back one of my grandfathers died. It was so sudden that it took me by surprise. Some months passed and then an aunt died, and then an uncle and then an uncle and then a cousin and then a niece. The people I once knew and went home to during vacations are now gone.

Now that I am working and is usually out of Manila, I barely find time to go home to the province. One time when I was home, I visited my grandmother. I was shocked with what I saw, although she still remembers me she was already showing signs of old age. Nowhere was the chatty grandmother who managed to waylay a rabid dog only with a piece of firewood. My grandfather is old too. How I wish I can make more time to visit him and rekindle what we had. Even if he may not fully remember them. I will do the remembering for the two of us.Even if they have physically left us, we will always be together in my memories.