Not Bothered at All

It is on some moments that I realize how some failures no matter how painful and disappointing they may seem just pass by us unnoticed. To other people, the failure may be something worth sulking and worth worrying about but not for me. I believe that failures are there to pave way for better things to come. Is this maturity of view on things or I just merely lost my capacity to care at all.

A few days ago, I had such failure related to my employment. Given other circumstances, I might have also been furious that I was rated an unsatisfactory performance for a job given that I am well aware of my capacities. For the duration of my stay with this company, I have objectively judged the other people and I can confidently say that basing on the capabilities of the other people here, I have fared just right. But of course I just can not judge the quality of my performance based on the performance of other people since we have varied expectations and job functions. Still, it is likely to wonder why these people are adjudged as performing their duties very well while you are judged as a substandard performer.I smell double standards here but I am not in the least bothered. Happy that I have a good load of confidence in myself that despite all these I never get to doubt myself.

I have to admit that I have not given my best on the grounds that I was never given ripe chances to show it and that the opportunities given were just too dull to create some opportunities to grandstand. It may also make things clearer that the way things done here involves the lack of support or basically to swim or sink. They say successful people make opportunities and do not  just wait for them, so maybe I am not a good candidate after not making good opportunities from very dull materials. I may blame my lack of enthusiasm and creativity to my divided attention. I would not say that my studies have taken its toll now since it is dividing my time and attention because I am fully happy of what this is becoming so far. It is a job to get me by and provide allowance for my studies.

I have always wanted to be a doctor. Now that I have laid my plan to be a medical doctor to rest, there is no stopping me from becoming a doctor the other way. As of now it is what I greatly want and I am still set on achieving it despite these failures. Successful people may make things out of trash but I guess they also set eyes on the goal and never get lost no matter what. I may not be both but at least I am one. On to proving the word and to myself that I can truly be successful in this dream I set.

Home Economist Draft 1

In reference to the alleged plagiarized speeches of Senator Sotto, I am irked with a lot of people who kept referring to Sarah Pope as “just” a home economist. One article from a blog even made a title that read; Original Author of Sotto Speech, Just a Home Economist. Although I go with a lot of the writers in the call to pass the RH Bill, I cannot help but be irked with the obvious belittling of such a noble profession.

I should have expected better from the Filipinos when it comes to treating home economics since we are a people that are forever bound to our homes. In other countries, changing places periodically at the whims of job or career opportunities is quite easy. For Filipinos, it would not matter whether you commute for many hours just to get home to a house you own with your family inside it. We always hear “nothing feels like home” or home is where the heart is” from people who have travelled far but would always come back to savour the feel of home.  We Filipinos take pride of our homes for we equate it to our family. Special holidays and occasions are usually spent at home.

Given these strong indications of what a home plays in our lives, it is quite surprising how we term home economics as a mere “just”. This accusation is undeniable for even at our elementary and secondary school days most of us have taken our EPP and the TLE/THE for granted. We see it as a fly-by subject where we get to make mats or knit some mufflers or cook some delicacies or draw some weird boxes at different views. Maybe for the younger generations this subject was just spent exploring the computer and all the fun it brings like tetris or facebook. Maybe some would even see TESDA as a bloated extension of our TLE classes. Maybe this early life introduction to home economics distorted our respect of this profession.

When I was in college, other students would tease us that the College of Home Economics is actually the College of Home Ekananay- a college where future mothers are nurtured. For me I am proud that our college is indeed training ground for future mothers. Who would claim that a chemical engineer is better than a mother? Or an architect or a lawyer for that matter? Behind every professional child is a mother that played a part on how they got there. Now why would we look lowly at a profession that produces people whose professions we so highly regard? Even without the achievement of their children to pull up the reputation of mothers as home economists, their skills and knowledge cannot be easily dismissed.

Making marmalades and jams that suit the taste of the family is the doing of a fine home economist which is no lesser than the feat of a chemist in trying to achieve the best flavour in food additive. Both went through the scientific method of trial and errors and come up with the best product that would suit the requirements. If  home economists are inferior to the food chemists then botulism would have flourished in our homes.

The Arms that Hold me 2

As I shivered at the thought of my need for a prayer to start my day I stumbled at old memories that I wish I have managed to successfully shun away from my memory.  Scars as they say indicate the closure of the wounds but would always be reminders of how the pain felt. So here in the side of a hill watching the sun rise- i came at old memories of me and him looking at the sunrise. We were tucked in our room at a hotel along Roxas Boulevard as opposed to my position now shivering cold with the morning mountain breeze.  The shivering is more from the memory that from the crisp morning breeze.

Makes me wonder who he cuddles now in the likes of this cold morning. Makes me jealous every time I think of it. Some say that feeling bitter towards a former flame is a highschoolish thing. That being unable to move on speaks of the immaturity of the person. I beg to disagree for there are cases that is out of that scope. Maturity comes with deeply understanding your feelings, maturity comes with treasuring all dreams and aspirations that are all good and feasible, maturity brings about a good judgement of where the betterment of the many will entail the pain of a few.I think I am.

I whined as I laugh at how my story ended just like any other melodramatic story on TV. Two hearts torn apart by the dictates of the needs and the situations. Either their families would not agree of the relationship or money or business matters would interfere. I hope that would be the case since on those melodramas, the lovers separate ways but would find other partners who are comparable options for their old flames. That someone comparable never came and now I sit here in the hill side reminiscing bitterly. Or somehow just like in the dramas, they would eventually find courage to fight for their love and defy all odds.

So I stood up and sipped from the mug of the aromatic coffee prepared from burnt rice. Not a coffee drinker for a start, I have grown to love rice coffee for its subtler bitterness. Just like my feelings- subtle bitterness. What to do today is often a wonder. I have exhausted all the questions that I wish to be answered on how the rebels cook their food, where they source it, how they it and all. Those answers confused me more of the reasons that make them stay despite all these conditions. The harsh rains the other night made sleeping on the ground a challenge. Although we have built our huts in such manner that the rain will not penetrate, the crude surroundings will force all the forces to get in touch with whoever is inside. 

And then I asked myself why exactly am I doing this? I am not convinced with the reason of getting the feel of the rebels to accurately get into their mind set. For some of my companions maybe that is a plausible reason. But I know deep inside me that the bigger reason would be the opportunity to device ways to get even with those that caused me pain. Bitterness really is capable of corrupting the heart. With that in mind, I stood up and prepared for my breakfast for I am bound to meet someone in an hour. I shall eat with appetite for the realization of my revenge is at hand.The mind after all is a slave of the heart.

The Arms That Hold Me 1

In my years of trying hard to hone my skills in writing, I always come up with the difficulty in sustaining my interest and concentration in writing full length stories. I usually end up to 10 pages and my focus and ideas are fully drained. It is for this reason that I attempt to use this blog as a venue to write a rather long story. I intend to make it a story with a weekly installment of the parts. I am just hoping this goes well. This time however, I will try to alternate the language  between Filipino and English.

The Arms That Hold Me

Maalinsangan ang gabi na nagtataboy sa tuluyang pagkaliyo sa tawag ng antok, idagdag mo pa diyan ang huni ng mga lamok na manaka-naka pang pumapasok sa butas ng tainga na lubusang nakakapagpairita sa akin. Siguro ay matagal na nga akong nakalimot sa ganitong uri ng pamumuhay- o nasanay nga ba ako simula pa lamang? Makailang ulit nga ba akong nakapamundok. Isa? o dalawang ulit nga lamang kaya paano nga ba akong masasanay sa isang uri ng pamumuhay na hindi ko nais danasin. Pinili ko ang marangyang bahagi ng pakikibaka sa problema ng lipunan- ang manirahan sa lunsod at maging advocate na lamang. Hindi ako nadadarang sa tawag ng armadong pakikibaka sapagkat naniniwala pa din ako na sa mga namumuno sa ating lipunan ay may marami pa din ang nagsasa-alang alang sa kapakanan ng nakararami.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang aking ginagawa dito ngayon. Pinipilit ko bang damdamin ang karanasan ng isang rebelde ng sa ganun ay makatotohanan kong makita mula sa kanilang perspektiba and mga bagay-bagay o nais ko lamang makagawa ng paraan upang maibangon kong muli ang aking nasugatang dangal? Kung tutuusin bakit ko naman tutuligsain ang mga kurakot sa lipunan o iyong mga rebeldeng naniniwala sa marahas na paraan? Bakit ko sila susumbatan ng pagiging ganid at makasarili gayong maaring ang rason ko sa aking mga ginagawa ay purong pansarili lang din?

Nandito ako ngayon sa bundok kasama ng ilan sa aking mga kaibigan na naniniwala din sa aking hangarin. Magtatatlong araw na kami dito at pilit na isinasabuhay ang pamumuhay ng mga rebelde upang sa ganun ay maging makatotohanan ang aming dalumat sa mga bagay-bagay. Natatakot kami sa tinatawag nilang immersion kung saan makikipamuhay ka talaga sa kanila. Mukhang kahit matindi ang naisin naming maintindihan sila ay hindi yata namin kayang isugal ang aming kaligtasan. Madami ang nababawan sa paraan naming ito pero naniniwala kami na and pamumuhay sa bundok ay isa ding kultura at upang higit na maintindihan ang pananaw ng isang pangkat ay marapat lamang na nakukuha mo ito sa kontexto ng kanilang kultura.

Kasama ang maalinsangang mga gabi at mga lamok sa kulturang nais naming intindihin at katulad ng ibang nais umintindi sa mga ganitong uri ng pamumuhay, umakyat lang kaming ang dala namin ay kaonting gamit at ang aming mga sarili. Naisip ko makailang ulit kung ano nga ba ang aking mahihita sa aking ginagawa- sinantabi ko muna ang aking tunay na trabaho upang mabigyan ng pansin ang bagay na ito- kapalit ng ano? Marahil ay wala ngang kapalit ngunit ang usig ng nasugatang dangal ang malakas nagtutulak sa akin upang gawin ito.

Bago mag bukang liwayway ay halos gising na kaming lahat upang maghanda ng aming almusal. Naupo ako sa taas ng maburol na bahagi at tinitigan ang papasikat na araw- kahit saang sulok ka naman manirahan at kahit anong uri ng pamumuhay ay may mga mumunting mga silip ang paraiso na nakakabagbag sa lahat ng mga alinlangan at suliranin. Tulad din ng marami, marahil ay nalimot ko na ding tignan ang mga silip ng paraiso na ito at nagpatinuod na lang ako sa agos ng mga pighati at lungkot ng buhay. Ngayong kami lang ng araw ang magkaharap, umusal ako ng panalangin.

Ilang taon na din ang nakaraan ngunit kailangan ko pa din pala ng panalangin upang magawa kong magpatuloy sa buong araw. Ang panalangin ang tangi kong nakakapitan upang magawa kong ihiwalay ang aking sarili mula sa demonyo ng aking nasugatang dangal na matagal ng sumusigaw ng katarungan. Bakit nga ba sugatan ang aking dangal- anong uri akong tao upang hindi makapuhap ng pagpapatawad? Ngunit mas malaks ang usig ng aking konsensiya sa aking pagtataksil na gagawin- pagtaksil sa ngalan lamang ng personal na kagustuhang malunasan ang paghihiganti? 

Stirring the Embers

I am at the mercy of the hand that stirred the embers. Should I be grateful for this jolt in my life or should I be more grateful for being blessed with a hand that cared even only for a while?

I am tired of being the whore of that hand. A whore that is never penetrated yet passed along to a friend as if I am a property paid with a few dates and warm hugs and a fleeting kisses. Maybe I would like to take back what is mine and to be me again. 

But I am helpless at the hand that stirred the embers. When the winds are howling cold in the wilderness, to sit around the fire would give you comfort and the peace that will rock you to sleep. In the morning when all the embers are left of the fire, one only needs to stir it and feed it with wood to start the fire again.

He left me sleeping for too long- two long years.  Maybe the fire never went out during the long night for I never felt the cold. Or someone might have covered me with warmth in his absence. The truth, I can never tell. For I am at the mercy of the hand that stirs the embers.

Embrace the fire or leave and build a fire elsewhere. 

Even Friendships Need Some Watering

"some links are just so feeble that they have to be revisited and rekindled once in a while"

I have to apologize to a friend whom I have thought to be one of my closest but appears to be just merely ordinary after  looking back at all the memories we shared. I have to say sorry that I may have not been the friend that she needed and sorry for being a stubborn personality who always insisted on my desires on the course of our so-called friendship. I have always considered her as my older sister and have no qualms on confiding every detail of my life to her which I am sure was the same case with her. Or was it my all or was that my very skeptical self talking? Now I am wondering why I have not treasured that friendship deeper.

Her going abroad to work may have triggered my deeper analysis of our friendship. Maybe even her possible migration when she gets married may have contributed to this speculation. We met way back our elementary days when the measures of competition were the triumphs on quiz shows or on singing or acting  or oratorical contests. Maybe our bond came closer when we spent our college days at the same university. Sometimes, I doubt if she really intended to be a little closer with me then or was it that she just ran out of options of people who might reconnect her with our ili. We all grow homesick at times and it is a blessing to have someone to remind us of home or at least have someone who feels the same intensity of homesickness as we do. Whatever our reasons for deciding to get closer as friends that time are now immaterial, I guess we both found that friendship was worth it.

I am just so used to having her around and if I needed to share something, she was just a chat or a call or a text away. I am used to seeing her whenever I go up to Baguio or when I go home. We would always rekindle our friendship with our notorious bashing of other people and laughing at internal jokes that I think only us would find worth laughing at. The realization of an adage dawned to me that indeed, we get to realize the worth of people once we lose them.We did have some rifts before but I have always been sure that in one way or another we would end up laughing again at the silly jokes we are concocting about the lives of other people.

Those rifts are a lot different from the distance we have now. Even for hard core lovers, distance is an acid that corrodes- what more to a friendship with shaky beginnings? I have always felt that our getting together moments inside karaoke bars or restaurants are means to rekindle our bond. Now all these are impossible. I do regret the fact that I have cultivated a feeble relationship with an inspiring person. I have to admit that she has that boldness that I so long to have.

But I will never regret having that friendship with her. Whether the spins of our lives draw us farther from each other or that circumstances will corrode what we have- I will always be grateful for meeting a friend like her and for sharing some pages of her life with me. Thank you old friend. Till we cross roads again.

Hearts Sickness

The cold winds may have stopped with the passing of the Yuletide season but certainly, some winds are blowing hard this February making some hearts shiver in the cold. Either they have no homes to go to, no fireplaces to warm them, no arms to warm them, or are just left there outside in the cold.

I may blame the observance of the month of hearts this February that a lot of these hearts suddenly become aware of the loneliness and the miseries of being alone and missing out the real fun that comes from it. Added reason can be the outgoing prolonged observation of the Yuletide season that promotes the idea of malamig na Pasko. I believe it is overly patronized that Christmas should be spent with your love ones and that celebrating it alone is a big social dysfunction. I think not because the celebrations are also meant for singles to reflect how God blesses them with the comfort of being single. Having no one to think of besides yourself, having no one to devote your resources aside from your needs and most specially no one else to love but yourself. It is not exactly being selfish and self-centered because such mechanism is intended to mold, instill and store love inside a single person so that when the time comes when you find that better half- you are not amateur anymore on the aspect of love.

For it all begins with loving yourself and giving premium importance to your existence. Loneliness is not the absence of company but the absence of optimism to make most of what you have and be contented.

Looking Behind

It took me few days after the first day of the year 2012 before I am able to look back to the year where I almost reached my limits. For the first time in my life, it was on this year that I felt extreme physical, mental and emotional stress. I have no one to blame for I have brought this to myself.

From the start of the year, I am at a light disposition for I am at a realatively light job  and that changes that would change my flow was not see as imminent. Maybe it was during the mid of the year that my determination placed me ahead of my capacity. Now that I look back at how I managed to work full-time while working part time on the side and studying on top of it, I can congratulate myself. I have done what I have dreamt of doing but I left myself scarred and too tired to move on. It was all these activities that hastily exhausted all my reserved enthusiasm which could have lasted for years.

But I do not have regrets for pressing fast forward on the flow of my life. I do not feel it made me less of a person to let go of people who at times helped me make through all these ordeal but at the same time serves as my emotional baggage. I do not have regrets but I feel exhausted. Yes I am tired but not tired enough to turn all these things I have started into reality.