Pseudoparent- My Kalayaan Story

Moving to a new house is beneficial for "sentimentals" like me- we find things tucked with all the other memorabilias. I found in the heap some pictures of my boys. I may not be lucky enough to be blessed with an ovary but I was able to "raise" around 70 marvelous boys in the span of two years. I have a lot of regrets in life but this page of my college life is something I will always be proud of.

Looking at all the pictures, it is amazing how I can remember their names and what courses they initially pursued in college. They may not remember me or what I am but I am happy that I have played a role in their lives. I am sure that somewhere along that year of being together, they may have picked an inspiration or two from me.  I feel like a teacher who is remotely remembered but has been part of those formative years. 

I am friends with some of them in Facebook so I tried checking their profiles. Some of them are licensed architects, accountants, engineers, chemists and are pretty much doing well in their careers. It amazes me how these once gawky kids turned into very aggressive corporate cells. It makes me proud. They may not remember me or credit part of their life to me, I am proud just the same. 

I am sure every Resident Assistant of Kalayaan Residence feels the same way as I do. Some of us stay very close to our "anaks" and some like me drift away. But this does not mean to say we have forgotten them (even if they have forgotten us). "Lahat kayo mga anak ko, galing kayong lahat sa puso ko" is a line in a movie so apt for my situation. 

Broken Chains

Yesterday tried my patience.  I hope I won.

Not so long ago, I decided to part ways with someone dear to me. Looking back now  I cannot clearly remember why. All I can remember is anger. Anger blinds us and pushes us to be rash. But I won't say that what I did was rash. In light of our circumstances then, I m sure we have made the right decision. Rather, I made the right decision.

Imagine having someone so close to you, what would you feel if you think they have betrayed you? But time do heal all wounds. I can say now that I have forgiven, I can say that I have moved on. There are times however that I feel as if I have been unfair for deserting a person when I was most expected to be around. Although I know I was not a necessity, my being around would have been an added ingredient to happiness.

But happiness was my very reason for severing the ties. Tampo was only secondary and anger was just on the outlines. I am sure that if I continue to be close, I can be a potential reason for sadness for I hold the secrets and stand as a reminder of the threatening past. Better that way I thought.

There are times when I am so down and I miss this person badly. I am just so used of the presence. The openness of the conversation and the randomness of thoughts have often washed away the pressures that hounded me. I miss these moments. For only on these moments can I be candid, unguarded and unreserved. Every time I am tempted to drop her a message, I muster every ounce of courage not to do so. That is what every real friend will do - to sacrifice a little of their comfort zone for their friends. 

What the Mind Forgets

Who can blame the mind if it pushes back sadness, pain, rejection and all negatives at the dark phantom  and leaves the happy thoughts on easy retrieval? Somehow what the mind vainly tries to forget, the heart remembers. If this is the price to pay for retaining someone dear in my memory then I will gladly pay the price.

I am always good at anniversaries. I remember the birthdays, the weddings, christening, first meeting, first date, first gift, first kiss and death. Being a sentimental person, I have kept mementoes of these events in the past- from a simple candy wrapper to an elaborate wedding invitation. Almost a year passed when someone dear died for a greater cause. It would have been easier if he had died of old age or even of sickness but not with the way he did. Never in my thoughts have I imagined him to die unceremoniously.

A lot of those close to us might argue unceremoniously because of the nature of his job. Having your life constantly on the line is a peril of his job. The recognitions that came post-humously may also be cited as a great contradiction to unceremoniously. But I beg to differ for despite all of these, I find it the death untimely. It caught me by surprise. It caught us all by surprise. It placed us all in grief. 

One might think that I feel this way because of my selfish reasons. That I have not said what I needed to say and what he needed to hear. We have not closed wounds from the past. Maybe it is true that it feels unfair to be left here with all the guilt and regrets. It feels painfully unfair to be explaining with the void after years of gathering courage to speak up. 

Maybe his death will be forgotten by the nation he died for. Maybe he will just be seen as another necessary casualty for the greater cause. Maybe he will. But I am sure that he will live forever in my memory- what the mind forgets, the heart will always remember. 

Ynarte- Kahit mga Bakla may Manang din

Nakaupo ang bakla sa may malapit sa may pintuan ng kainan kaya nakita niya ang guwapong lalaking noon ay naging kasintahan din niya. Ano nga ba ang dapat na maramdaman niya makalipas ng maraming taon? Galit?Matapos siyang iwan ito upang sumaa umano sa isang tunay na babae. Panghihinayang? Sapagkat pinakawalan niya ang ganito kabonggang lalaki? Ganun naman talaga ang drama ng mga bakla diba? Ipagpapalit din sila ng mga lalaki sa mga tunay na babae o sa mga baklang higit na may pera. Ngunit sa relasyon nila dati ay hindi akmang isiping pera ang naging habol ng lalaki sapagkat mas higit nga itong nakakariwasa kaysa sa kanya. Higit itong mas malalim at puno ng respeto.

Tahimik niyang tinitignan ang lalaki na mag-isa sa isa pang mesa. Waring may hinihintay. Wala namang nagbago sa kanya bagkos ay mukhang sumeryoso at tumanda lamang ito. Mga natural na bahid ng panahon. Kinapa ng bakla ang puso niya kung ano ang dapat na maramdaman. Kinilig siya siyempre kasi hindi niya lubos maisip na magkakarelasyon sila noon ng guwapong lalaking ito. Ano nga ba ang dahilan at natiis siya nito? Sabi noon nung lalaki kasi matalino daw siya, masayahin- walang dull moments. Exactly the words na laging ginagamit ng lalaki kapag tinatanong niya kung bakit siya.

Iniisip ng bakla kung lalapit ba siya at makikipagpansinan sa lalaki. Magkumustahan baga pagkalipas ng ilang taong di pagkikita. Ni hindi nga sila magkaibigan sa Facebook kaya hindi niya batid kung ano na nga ba ang estado ng isat-isa. Sila din ba ang nagkatuluyan nung dahilan kung bakit iniwan siya nito? Kahit kaunti ay nahihiya siyang puntahan ito. Nangangati siyang masagot ang mga tanong niya ngunit pinangungunahan siya ng hiya. Hindi niya alam kung bakit.

Umasa na lang si bakla na sana ay maunang makita siya ng lalaki at kusang lalapit, magkukumustahan at magkukuwentuhan na parang walang nangyari sa kanila. Kalilimutan na sa kanilang huling pagkikita noon ay iniwanan lamang siya ng lalaki at si bakla ay nangngangangawang patago sa halos isang linggo. Walang nakakaalam na noon ayparang mabaliw siya nung iwan siya nito. Pasimple niyang sinusulyapsulyapan ang lalaki. Ngunit matapos ang 10 minuto ay walang nangyari. Ubos na kanina pa ang kanyang kinakain at nakakahiya namang umupo lang siya doon at diladilaan ang mga buto. Nagpasya siyang tumayo na lang at daanan ang lalaki. Ngunit kakatayo pa lamang niya ay dumating na ang hinihintay ng lalaki- ang kanyang mag-ina.

Nagtuloy sa labas ang bakla na hindi alam ang kasalukuyang nararamdaman. Ngumiti na lamang siya at kunwari ay walang nangyari. Kahit sa loob ay lupasay levels na dapat siya, nagpakatatag siya. Ganyan naman na siya dati pa. Kaya siya iniwan at pinagpalait dahil sa pag iinarte niya- gaya na lamang nung kanina. Di bale nang laging nasasaktan basta feel na feel ni baklang ipreserve ang kabirhenan para sa tamang lalaki. Inisip niya, paano kaya kung di siya nag-inarte at pinagbigyan si lalaki sa lahat ng hilig niya? Sila pa din ba hanggang ngayon? Hindi niya alam at malamang ay buong buhay siyang bubulabugin ng katanungang ito.