The Next Station

Of late, there are few things that make me ponder about moving on and getting on with life. I have been used to moving on and closing the chapter behind but as I age I come across inspirational people who will likely be open pages in my life. Not that I do not want them to move on and get on with life, but I want to remember them at the state where they have inspired me most.

Few days to go and a mentor will move with her professional life. I have nothing else to say but express my deepest gratitude for it is with her that I have found recognition and acceptance in a place where it is scarce. She have seen me as a different person but I actually consider her as one of my best mentors especially that I have transitioned to this career path. It is not those numerous times that she stuck her neck for me that I most grateful of but rather of the fact that I feel I have fulfilled my mission for this particular place and I can finally move on. Almost a year ago, I arrived on tears and fear but I can say that I can now move on knowing that the likes of me can now trod these grounds being regarded and recognized for what they really are capable of. For this I am truly grateful to her. 

An acquaintance asked me recently why I have not figured on the wedding entourage of someone who used to be so close to me. Even pressed further by questioning why our hilarious wedding plans were not put to reality.  I declined to answer for I might say the wrong words and send the wrong message.  I could have just said that both of us just moved on and have outgrown that friendship, but that could be misconstrued. There was no falling out whatsoever, there was only this mutual decision of moving on and we did. I have always regarded her as a sister could not have gone through college easily without her companionship. Our friendship may have been the casualty of the choices we made in life but hey- we made new friends and a have this opportunity to apply the learnings we derived from our lost connection. 

Whether  we move on with happy thoughts or sad ones, what is important is we look back and treasure those things that we have learned from the recent past. Look into the future with optimism- paparating na sa susunod na istasyon. Ang susunod na istasyon ay...

An Open Letter to My Former Residents

Dear Former Residents,

Since open house ng Kalai ngayon at uso naman ang mga open letters, pagbigyan niyo na ito.

Kuya Kim, Madamme Kim, Madam, Donya Kim ... and all those titles given behind my back might be the name you remember me. Siguro ilan sa inyo di niyo na ako maalala bilang naging bahagi ng masalimuot na buhay ninyo sa unibersidad. When I decided to be an RA at Kalayaan, I never thought that it would be a great responsibility. May mga magulang na sobrang makapamper sa mga anak ang pinagkatiwala ang mga anak sa amin na bantayan at arugain bilang mga tunay na kapatid. May mga ilan din namang mga magulang ang wala masyadong pakialam at siguroy iniisip na may taong gagabay sa anak na iniwan nila sa isang pang freshmang dorm sa UP. Naway napunan ko ng kahit na kaunti ang responsibilidad na naiatang noon.

Looking back, my stay as an RA sa Kalai is one of the most colorful pages in my college life. Sana pag nagbabalik tanaw kayo sa inyong freshman year, sana hindi ang aking mga paghihigpit sa bedcheck, pagtataray sa corridor meeting, pag oorganize ng mga walang kuwentang activities, pagkanta ng malakas sa shower o madalas na pangookray hindi lamang sa inyo kundi sa kung sino mang mapadaan ang maalala ninyo sa akin. Given na maalala ninyo ako. hahahha

Sana maalala ninyo ako gaya ng pagkain sa Glorias na kahit di naman kasarapan ay naitawid kayo sa gutom at nabigyan din ng sustansiya. Sana makita ninyo na sa kahit gabundok na basurang pinauso ko ay may kaunting aral na mapupulot. I will always remember each and everyone of you with fondness for I have given it my all. Whether you like it or not, you have taken a part of me when you stayed under my wing for a sem or two . I hope you saw right through the comedian and saw someone credible and a potential source of inspiration. If hindi talaga pasok ang inspiration, a warning perhaps haha #charot.

Ilang taon na nga ba ang nakalipas noong kayo ay freshmen? Ilang taon na nga ba noong huli tayong magkita? Ilan sa inyo ay nakakasalubong ko pa paminsan. Ilan sa inyo ay di ko na makita matapos mag check out sa Kalai. Hindi ko man batid whatever happened to you in life, I wish you all the best in life. Entitled or not, I always feel proud at what you achieve. Sabi nga ni Maricel Soriano sa  pelikulang Bahay Kubo, "lahat kayo magkakapatid, lahat kayo mga anak ko. Galing kayong lahat sa puso ko". #award

Missing you,

Kuya Kim

Sperm Donors Anyone??

I suddenly wanted to have my own child. How to do that is still a question I cannot answer as of this writing.

We were doing a set with the songs from the movie Mama Mia and I was tasked to sing the song “Slipping Through My Fingers”. As I am relatively young, I am not familiar with the ABBA songs aside from Winner Takes it All and the all-time videoke favorite Dancing Queen. I needed to listen to the song for half a day before becoming confident that I can sing it in front of a crowd.

The Slipping Through My Fingers song is one of those sounds that you wish today’s generation of music can produce. It has some depth and real emotions to it. It is not just about the storytelling but it is more of the fact that all the lyrics were perhaps carefully thought to carry meaning on it’s own.

I cannot help but feel emotional after realizing what the song is all about. I initially thought it is all about a broken love and the art of letting go but it is much more than that. The song is all about those parents who watch their children mature and go on their own. Almost all my siblings are gone out of the house and pursuing our separate lives. Only two remain and are bound to follow suit after finishing college.

I never realized that parenting could be that emotionally taxing- raising someone and then watch him or her go sometimes without even the simplest gesture of gratitude. It is never an excuse that my mother is a teacher and that she is used to nurturing people and then watch them go.  No amount of preparation will ever make one ready.

I believe what matters most will not be that feeling of pain of getting left behind but more the feeling of fulfillment and pride of having raised a child. What more if those kids accomplished a lot in life. I will not pretend to be aware of the intensity of that feeling of pride. No pain and no gain it maybe but the rewards far outweigh the necessary disadvantages. For that I am willing to take the risk and explore the happiness brought about by parenthood. 

Those Days

These days I am swamped with a lot of things to do. Extreme is the condition that I sometimes skip my meals. Old me would find that unthinkable. Swamped with the workload and seeing no relief in the near future. Must have been the pay I thought but the level of stress keeps reminding me how such stress can never be compensated. They say getting stressed is a choice but I am getting paid to make that choice.

It is on tough days that I recall the days when I was earning very little above the minimum. I wonder how an ambitious and idealistic fresh graduate settled for that-of course I know pretty well why. Food and accommodation then were minimal, transportation not an issue, the workplace looks up to you as if you are a prized genius and to top it all- you get to work with awesome people.

Where can you find  a place where lunch can go down to a peso? or that the groceries get a fixed discount much larger than those offered by the bonus brand? What work will allow you to be yourself and say things as you see it? What office will you go to and do not feel at work but at home? But I love the work not just for the perks it gave but mostly because of the lessons of self worth I learned from it.

Of course there were numerous times that were difficult but I can easily trade those to the countless memories of laughter and friendship. Some of those I worked with might not remember me at all but all that matters is there are those few gems who do. I admit that I miss that easy life when I come across these difficulties. I ask myself what could have been the present me should I have opted to stay. I can only guess. I may have these regrets and fits of "what ifs"but what would matter is I met all those wonderful people and hopefully made a memory in their lives. Those were the days.

Emulate

I must thank my professor for instilling in me how it is to be grateful of what you have and be the primary fan of your own achievements. He further said that we must however always counter our self-directed fanaticism with the reality. Without these words, I might have found myself pitiful a long time ago.

Just recently, an interviewer asked whether I find myself successful and I said yes. He asked for reasons why I said so and I mentioned that most of the plans I have plotted were realized and I see that the near future plans are currently on the works. He then asked if someone else appreciates that fact and that question stuck for at that moment I do not have an answer.

There was a time when I have eagerly waited for invitations to make inspirational talks-graduations maybe or career orientations or practicums. Nothing came and I just though that I might have been too young to be seen as a likely model of success. I waited some more with this secret wish that invitations will come. Nothing came but it was ok.

It was in my MBA class for Personality development that our professor taught me words that have changed how I view success. I have stopped seeing it using the expectation of others as a yardstick whether I reached my goals or I fell short. For success rooted at the expectations of others are other people's success- they have succeeded in charting your course to their liking. Success must have sprouted from our personal desires. When you are happy and content at what you have, what others think just become secondary. Maybe in the future, invitations will come and I know pretty well what I will be sharing to inspire- that you must never mistake success with recognition.