Security and Insecurity

A job is like a boyfriend- all covered with securities and insecurities. You invest all your efforts and emotions hoping in the future that it will be reciprocated. The very reason why I likened this relationship to a job is that I do not believe romantic relationships can survive only through selflessness. Why do we have the courage to put most of our everything? Why do we fear to do so? 

If indeed there is a formula then we will not be hounded by pangs of insecurity.

During a late lunch with some of my closest friends last Saturday, we talked a lot about our current jobs. Why are we satisfied and why we think of moving on to better jobs. It makes me think most of the time whether the blame is personal or institutional. Personal maybe because we are never contented with the pay, we are not contented with the job or we just want to be in a job where there is lesser pressure. Institutional maybe because of the stability, the general environment, or the career path it offers to its employees. We have a mix of these reasons that is why I can not pin point the reason why.

Are you happy with your job? Are you happy with your boyfriend?

No you are not so you start making suspicions. Soon these suspicions will not be suspicions to you but are true. Congratulations to you for convincing yourself that your suspicions are true even with the flimsiest indirect evidence.  Same thing with your job, small things that are negligible are turned into nightmares and reasons why you can not go on with your job.

Yes you are so give more of what you have already given until you are no longer contented with what you get in return. Most people are very selfish beings. 

Security is not the absence of insecurity but the the absence of the capacity to be human. 

Oh my that is just me typing random thoughts non-stop for 8 minutes.

Love starts with an L

Memories came like an avalanche this week. It swept the landscape and left me wondering what good does reservation bring.

So many years ago when I was still a freshman, I developed an infatuation with a guy from down south. Just that I can not express it for some reasons. First because he is always with a schoolmate of his that appeared to be his girlfriend at that time. Second because I was obsessed with another guy and that it would appear that making people know that I admire multiple guys would lead them to judge me as no different from those parlor gays. Third because I have to keep my reservations. I may be loud and confident on most occasions but I am very reserved around guys. It is my self-made notion of the mechanism to send the message to guys that I am an NOT an easy one. I am very mad at the idea that gays are stereotyped  as people who are generally lustful and would jump at every opportunity the male breed would offer.

A few years ago, I met a very mysterious person who once again captured my attention. He is of the serious type so I was surprised that he took time to indulge in a very soft and humorous flirtation with me. We both know that that is nothing serious but I forgot that after sometime and lost myself in his mysterious smile. The natural thing for me to do is to clam up and do a cover up. I ended up hurting myself and maybe him in the process due to my very rude and crude treatment.


After all these years what have I gained from refusing the truth? From concealing what I really feel? Coldness and insincerity. I learned to lie a lot to compartmentalize my life. Charot. Good thing is- no matter how alone I seem to be now, I am still a virgin. We come rare these days. 

The Selfish Heart

I have neglected this blog for a long time due to my hectic schedule (full time job, 18 units on 2 graduate school, and some organizations) and have finally thought of visiting it just this once to have a venue for me to vent out my frustrations. This blog always served me that reason and it never failed to relieve me of the pain or anxiety that I feel prior to publishing a blog entry. The past month is a horror for me. Ever had that moment when think you are very sure and then out comes the distraction that will rock every decision and uproot all plans? It came to me last week. I am currently with the best man now and i am thinking of sticking to him for keeps- at least thats what i thought of in the past two years. Out came the surprise when i found out that an old love of mine resurfaced with an old friend in his arms. Worst is it affected me big time. I feel guilty and i thought that venting it out here might help me think of the situation better and formulate courses of actions that are fair to everyone involved.

True enough, nirvana came to me as i opened this blogging site. There i was angry at a petty heart confusion case and here is a friend emotionally battered by the fact that he is now completely aware of the case of his daughter. This friend is close to me including the lovely family he has. All my pain were washed away upon reading his blog. Such raw emotions and pain of a father is gigantic compared to the emotional shocks i am currently encountering. It made me think why am i not grateful with the wonderful man that came to my life while this father despite a broken heart, makes the most out of the situation. His blog showed me the volatility of life. I am not just inspired to mend my relationship with my current partner but i am inspired to do it to every person i value.

The past is witness to how cold i am to people around me. I am always chasing a star that i have given different names. The star is ever elusive and so is the happiness and fulfilment that i attached with it. His blog changed my perspective in life. Value life by living it to the fullest. Why put off things that can be done today for tomorrow? tomorrow might not come. 

Not Bothered at All

It is on some moments that I realize how some failures no matter how painful and disappointing they may seem just pass by us unnoticed. To other people, the failure may be something worth sulking and worth worrying about but not for me. I believe that failures are there to pave way for better things to come. Is this maturity of view on things or I just merely lost my capacity to care at all.

A few days ago, I had such failure related to my employment. Given other circumstances, I might have also been furious that I was rated an unsatisfactory performance for a job given that I am well aware of my capacities. For the duration of my stay with this company, I have objectively judged the other people and I can confidently say that basing on the capabilities of the other people here, I have fared just right. But of course I just can not judge the quality of my performance based on the performance of other people since we have varied expectations and job functions. Still, it is likely to wonder why these people are adjudged as performing their duties very well while you are judged as a substandard performer.I smell double standards here but I am not in the least bothered. Happy that I have a good load of confidence in myself that despite all these I never get to doubt myself.

I have to admit that I have not given my best on the grounds that I was never given ripe chances to show it and that the opportunities given were just too dull to create some opportunities to grandstand. It may also make things clearer that the way things done here involves the lack of support or basically to swim or sink. They say successful people make opportunities and do not  just wait for them, so maybe I am not a good candidate after not making good opportunities from very dull materials. I may blame my lack of enthusiasm and creativity to my divided attention. I would not say that my studies have taken its toll now since it is dividing my time and attention because I am fully happy of what this is becoming so far. It is a job to get me by and provide allowance for my studies.

I have always wanted to be a doctor. Now that I have laid my plan to be a medical doctor to rest, there is no stopping me from becoming a doctor the other way. As of now it is what I greatly want and I am still set on achieving it despite these failures. Successful people may make things out of trash but I guess they also set eyes on the goal and never get lost no matter what. I may not be both but at least I am one. On to proving the word and to myself that I can truly be successful in this dream I set.

Home Economist Draft 1

In reference to the alleged plagiarized speeches of Senator Sotto, I am irked with a lot of people who kept referring to Sarah Pope as “just” a home economist. One article from a blog even made a title that read; Original Author of Sotto Speech, Just a Home Economist. Although I go with a lot of the writers in the call to pass the RH Bill, I cannot help but be irked with the obvious belittling of such a noble profession.

I should have expected better from the Filipinos when it comes to treating home economics since we are a people that are forever bound to our homes. In other countries, changing places periodically at the whims of job or career opportunities is quite easy. For Filipinos, it would not matter whether you commute for many hours just to get home to a house you own with your family inside it. We always hear “nothing feels like home” or home is where the heart is” from people who have travelled far but would always come back to savour the feel of home.  We Filipinos take pride of our homes for we equate it to our family. Special holidays and occasions are usually spent at home.

Given these strong indications of what a home plays in our lives, it is quite surprising how we term home economics as a mere “just”. This accusation is undeniable for even at our elementary and secondary school days most of us have taken our EPP and the TLE/THE for granted. We see it as a fly-by subject where we get to make mats or knit some mufflers or cook some delicacies or draw some weird boxes at different views. Maybe for the younger generations this subject was just spent exploring the computer and all the fun it brings like tetris or facebook. Maybe some would even see TESDA as a bloated extension of our TLE classes. Maybe this early life introduction to home economics distorted our respect of this profession.

When I was in college, other students would tease us that the College of Home Economics is actually the College of Home Ekananay- a college where future mothers are nurtured. For me I am proud that our college is indeed training ground for future mothers. Who would claim that a chemical engineer is better than a mother? Or an architect or a lawyer for that matter? Behind every professional child is a mother that played a part on how they got there. Now why would we look lowly at a profession that produces people whose professions we so highly regard? Even without the achievement of their children to pull up the reputation of mothers as home economists, their skills and knowledge cannot be easily dismissed.

Making marmalades and jams that suit the taste of the family is the doing of a fine home economist which is no lesser than the feat of a chemist in trying to achieve the best flavour in food additive. Both went through the scientific method of trial and errors and come up with the best product that would suit the requirements. If  home economists are inferior to the food chemists then botulism would have flourished in our homes.

The Arms that Hold me 2

As I shivered at the thought of my need for a prayer to start my day I stumbled at old memories that I wish I have managed to successfully shun away from my memory.  Scars as they say indicate the closure of the wounds but would always be reminders of how the pain felt. So here in the side of a hill watching the sun rise- i came at old memories of me and him looking at the sunrise. We were tucked in our room at a hotel along Roxas Boulevard as opposed to my position now shivering cold with the morning mountain breeze.  The shivering is more from the memory that from the crisp morning breeze.

Makes me wonder who he cuddles now in the likes of this cold morning. Makes me jealous every time I think of it. Some say that feeling bitter towards a former flame is a highschoolish thing. That being unable to move on speaks of the immaturity of the person. I beg to disagree for there are cases that is out of that scope. Maturity comes with deeply understanding your feelings, maturity comes with treasuring all dreams and aspirations that are all good and feasible, maturity brings about a good judgement of where the betterment of the many will entail the pain of a few.I think I am.

I whined as I laugh at how my story ended just like any other melodramatic story on TV. Two hearts torn apart by the dictates of the needs and the situations. Either their families would not agree of the relationship or money or business matters would interfere. I hope that would be the case since on those melodramas, the lovers separate ways but would find other partners who are comparable options for their old flames. That someone comparable never came and now I sit here in the hill side reminiscing bitterly. Or somehow just like in the dramas, they would eventually find courage to fight for their love and defy all odds.

So I stood up and sipped from the mug of the aromatic coffee prepared from burnt rice. Not a coffee drinker for a start, I have grown to love rice coffee for its subtler bitterness. Just like my feelings- subtle bitterness. What to do today is often a wonder. I have exhausted all the questions that I wish to be answered on how the rebels cook their food, where they source it, how they it and all. Those answers confused me more of the reasons that make them stay despite all these conditions. The harsh rains the other night made sleeping on the ground a challenge. Although we have built our huts in such manner that the rain will not penetrate, the crude surroundings will force all the forces to get in touch with whoever is inside. 

And then I asked myself why exactly am I doing this? I am not convinced with the reason of getting the feel of the rebels to accurately get into their mind set. For some of my companions maybe that is a plausible reason. But I know deep inside me that the bigger reason would be the opportunity to device ways to get even with those that caused me pain. Bitterness really is capable of corrupting the heart. With that in mind, I stood up and prepared for my breakfast for I am bound to meet someone in an hour. I shall eat with appetite for the realization of my revenge is at hand.The mind after all is a slave of the heart.

The Arms That Hold Me 1

In my years of trying hard to hone my skills in writing, I always come up with the difficulty in sustaining my interest and concentration in writing full length stories. I usually end up to 10 pages and my focus and ideas are fully drained. It is for this reason that I attempt to use this blog as a venue to write a rather long story. I intend to make it a story with a weekly installment of the parts. I am just hoping this goes well. This time however, I will try to alternate the language  between Filipino and English.

The Arms That Hold Me

Maalinsangan ang gabi na nagtataboy sa tuluyang pagkaliyo sa tawag ng antok, idagdag mo pa diyan ang huni ng mga lamok na manaka-naka pang pumapasok sa butas ng tainga na lubusang nakakapagpairita sa akin. Siguro ay matagal na nga akong nakalimot sa ganitong uri ng pamumuhay- o nasanay nga ba ako simula pa lamang? Makailang ulit nga ba akong nakapamundok. Isa? o dalawang ulit nga lamang kaya paano nga ba akong masasanay sa isang uri ng pamumuhay na hindi ko nais danasin. Pinili ko ang marangyang bahagi ng pakikibaka sa problema ng lipunan- ang manirahan sa lunsod at maging advocate na lamang. Hindi ako nadadarang sa tawag ng armadong pakikibaka sapagkat naniniwala pa din ako na sa mga namumuno sa ating lipunan ay may marami pa din ang nagsasa-alang alang sa kapakanan ng nakararami.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang aking ginagawa dito ngayon. Pinipilit ko bang damdamin ang karanasan ng isang rebelde ng sa ganun ay makatotohanan kong makita mula sa kanilang perspektiba and mga bagay-bagay o nais ko lamang makagawa ng paraan upang maibangon kong muli ang aking nasugatang dangal? Kung tutuusin bakit ko naman tutuligsain ang mga kurakot sa lipunan o iyong mga rebeldeng naniniwala sa marahas na paraan? Bakit ko sila susumbatan ng pagiging ganid at makasarili gayong maaring ang rason ko sa aking mga ginagawa ay purong pansarili lang din?

Nandito ako ngayon sa bundok kasama ng ilan sa aking mga kaibigan na naniniwala din sa aking hangarin. Magtatatlong araw na kami dito at pilit na isinasabuhay ang pamumuhay ng mga rebelde upang sa ganun ay maging makatotohanan ang aming dalumat sa mga bagay-bagay. Natatakot kami sa tinatawag nilang immersion kung saan makikipamuhay ka talaga sa kanila. Mukhang kahit matindi ang naisin naming maintindihan sila ay hindi yata namin kayang isugal ang aming kaligtasan. Madami ang nababawan sa paraan naming ito pero naniniwala kami na and pamumuhay sa bundok ay isa ding kultura at upang higit na maintindihan ang pananaw ng isang pangkat ay marapat lamang na nakukuha mo ito sa kontexto ng kanilang kultura.

Kasama ang maalinsangang mga gabi at mga lamok sa kulturang nais naming intindihin at katulad ng ibang nais umintindi sa mga ganitong uri ng pamumuhay, umakyat lang kaming ang dala namin ay kaonting gamit at ang aming mga sarili. Naisip ko makailang ulit kung ano nga ba ang aking mahihita sa aking ginagawa- sinantabi ko muna ang aking tunay na trabaho upang mabigyan ng pansin ang bagay na ito- kapalit ng ano? Marahil ay wala ngang kapalit ngunit ang usig ng nasugatang dangal ang malakas nagtutulak sa akin upang gawin ito.

Bago mag bukang liwayway ay halos gising na kaming lahat upang maghanda ng aming almusal. Naupo ako sa taas ng maburol na bahagi at tinitigan ang papasikat na araw- kahit saang sulok ka naman manirahan at kahit anong uri ng pamumuhay ay may mga mumunting mga silip ang paraiso na nakakabagbag sa lahat ng mga alinlangan at suliranin. Tulad din ng marami, marahil ay nalimot ko na ding tignan ang mga silip ng paraiso na ito at nagpatinuod na lang ako sa agos ng mga pighati at lungkot ng buhay. Ngayong kami lang ng araw ang magkaharap, umusal ako ng panalangin.

Ilang taon na din ang nakaraan ngunit kailangan ko pa din pala ng panalangin upang magawa kong magpatuloy sa buong araw. Ang panalangin ang tangi kong nakakapitan upang magawa kong ihiwalay ang aking sarili mula sa demonyo ng aking nasugatang dangal na matagal ng sumusigaw ng katarungan. Bakit nga ba sugatan ang aking dangal- anong uri akong tao upang hindi makapuhap ng pagpapatawad? Ngunit mas malaks ang usig ng aking konsensiya sa aking pagtataksil na gagawin- pagtaksil sa ngalan lamang ng personal na kagustuhang malunasan ang paghihiganti?