Wait I Love My Your Remembrance

I believe that for most of the UP students who stayed at Kalayaan Residence Hall, the friends that they meet there remain to be their friends all throughout their college days or beyond. It is an advantage to have stayed at the dorm for you will be presented daily an opportunity to know some people outside your college. I am always the envy of my classmates who are non-dormers because a lot of people would always greet me. That I can say is one reason why college was not that difficult for a probinsiyano like me.

Inside the UP community are dorms that have communities of their own. True that when you are out of the dorm, you find comfort through familiarity with the fellow dormers. When inside however, factions are there-factions made by special interests, by partner corridors, by religion or by regionalism. Each faction asserting its identity.

I remember barely two weeks into my college life and we had this corridor assembly called upon by the resident assistant. Except for few talkative people, I am not familiar with most of my corridor mates. I was like standing silently while waiting for the assembly when one smiling face made some introductions. He said he is an Ilocano so we immediately started conversing in Ilocano as if we have a lot of common stories to share. My first year went on and I grew to know and appreciate this person as a truly genuine one. He is always sweet, easy to approach, generous and friendly. Even when he joined the fraternity, I did not feel an inch of change from him when it comes to interacting with me. He is a true friend.

All throughout my college days we will occasionally meet at the oval or on the jeep or at the shopping center and we do not fail to take a moment and catch up with the things that have gone with our lives. Even when I was passing by their tambayan and we see each other, he will always wave and smile.

Whenever we see each other we think of our first year days and laugh. We can not do that anymore. Only I can. I look back and not just laugh but be sad why such young soul is taken away from us. I do not question the Lord for the things that happened but I am just human and humans do have emotions. If it is a sin to be sad after all these years, then let me be a sinner as a testament of how dear you are to me as a friend.

"Misautogeny"

I have not been long in the training industry and I am still building my credentials and reputation so I am a bit uneasy when one Igorot organization invited me to conduct a personality development training for them. Not that I am not confident with my craft but I am unsure of the best approach to use. Every good trainer will first study the demographics of the intended audience to calibrate the training and come up with better impact. Ironic that I am one of them yet I am not sure how to deal with them.The fact that I was unpopular and unappreciated back at my hometown may have conditioned me to be too aloof of the idea of doing my thing with my own people.

Among those who attended the training, only the person who recommended my services was aware that I am an Igorot. Even during the introduction, I have not made an effort to tell the crowd where I came from and what my ethnicity is. I am afraid that making it known to them might affect how they view me as a trainer. I am not sure where I have picked that absurdity but it sure stuck in my mind that time.

A day passed and the training went smoothly. There are times that the participants struggled on expressing their thoughts in English or Tagalog but I opted not to reach out using our local vernacular. The revelation only came during the open forum. While soliciting questions from the crowd, this old gentleman kept asking something and had this difficulty to phrase it in English- I was touched by his desire to learn that I forgot my inhibitions. I asked him in the local tongue what he wanted to know and he laughed. Everyone laughed and asked why I know their dialect. I just smiled and asked the old man about his question.

At the end of the training, the moderator asked the leaders to deliver the usual speeches of gratitude to the resource speakers and those who attended. The old gentleman did talk and what he said touched me even more.

 "I am very glad that one among us can do something that you just did"

On some other occasions, these words might be too ordinary to hear. But hearing it from the old man with all the sincerity and respect made me very happy. Somehow the feeling of acceptance and appreciation from someone of your kind made all those doubts go away. I am not sure if a similar group will ever invite me again, but I am sure that should that chance come again- I will have no fears.  

Perks of Graduating from a Small School

Nine long years and I look back at the time when all my emotions were unbridled and all hormones raging- high school graduation. Although I was a nobody there, I am grateful that I studied in a small public high school. Not because I have smaller competition academically but because I was able to build relationships with my classmates. We do keep that special circle of friends but I know all my classmates on a personal level. In a class of less than 60, 2 sections since first year- I share a lot of memories with them. I can still recall the speech of the batch valedictorian stressing how after so many years, we will look back at both the happy and sad memories with a smile.

Being the introvert that I am, I do not have a lot of strong friends. Should I have been in a bigger school with more students, I might have been pushed to the side where nobody can remember me a year after high school. Nine years passed and I still have vivid recollections for each of my former classmates. Graduation day was a sad day for me. Graduations are a bit grand in the barrios, it is an opportunity to show off the cooking skills of mothers. After the ceremonies, all the graduates will go from house to house to partake of what each graduate prepared. Even if each house prepared all the same dishes, there is always room for some. 

Proof to my lack of friends is the number of people who came at my house. Only three of them came and might not have if not for the reason that they are too ashamed not to join me when I was with them the whole picture taking sessions. Looking at my graduation pictures, I have only 2 pictures with my teachers which is a testimony how distant and unpopular I was. Nevertheless I enjoyed high school graduation. It seems to be a portal for me to a wider selection of memories- memories when I was younger and is still dreaming where will I be. True enough, I look at all the memories whether happy or sad with a smile. Those are all the building blocks of what I am right now. 

Arte Mio

There was a time in my career when I felt like I was not needed at all- that what I was doing felt like way below standards. Have you ever felt that dispensable in a job? I decided to resign despite the fact that it was nearing the Yuletide season then. I passed my resignation and the big boss talked to me. He was the prime reason for me to stay on that job as he was gentle yet sharp on the job- caring yet unyielding in his pursuit for excellence. For a first job after college- this sort of a protective boss is a dream come true.

He left the job earlier than I did. He left us individual gifts and cards inscribed with his personal greetings. It was not the ordinary-generic greeting cards sent by bosses to their subordinates. All these years, I occasionally take it out of the box and read it. It never fails to restore my faith in my capabilities and assure me that someone- at least at one point in time is genuinely appreciative of my efforts. I have extended on that job for some months where I believe I have left a good impression- thanks to his letter that inspired me a lot.

Today that I am at crossroads, I took time to read the letter again. I cried just like before. Not because of the fact that I have satisfied my desire for some assurance but because of a deeper realization that I have long ignored. Together with his thought of assuring me that I am doing good is the effort to make me understand that the situation is two way. It should not be all about me- there is also that job i will leave who might value me but failed miserably to show it. I must not always be on the look for the protective boss for why can't I be the protective employee this time? I must not always yearn for explicit appreciation for at the end of the day,  what would matter would be the self fulfillment.

Years and distance might have separated us but he continuously inspires me with this letter that constantly reminds me of humility, of feeling content despite everything, and of sensitivity to others. He had also left me with a set of friends that I know I can keep for life. Like me, they were touched by his warmth. I will never regret having met him. I look to him although he may never knew how much it means to me that our paths crossed once upon a time.

The One That Got Away

How awkward can it be to see that your best friend is bound to be married to the man you have loved the most in your life? I used to laugh at dramas like this for I was thinking that once the mind gets over things, the heart gets over too. I guess I was wrong again for no matter how much I deny the truth, it is true that I feel envious towards a friend who will be marrying soon the one that got away. The endless barrage of "what ifs" still haunt me every time I see them together.

I will not play the part of the bitter gourd who will make the lives of the protagonists miserable by spending everything on my disposal just to prove my pain. For it is just a slight pain- a pinch in the heart that reminds you of possibilities with the one that got away. Endless questions whether you could have been happier and more fulfilled if you could have pushed for your feelings harder. Painful it is but not bitter. I do find joy in the realization that my friend will be happy and that they are fit together. Ironic that you wish them well yet somewhere in your heart you wish that the situation could have been better if partners can be interchanged.

It will be so much fun if they will invite me to their wedding. I might come in full regalia. I might come with the band. I might come with all the boldness I can gather.  I might put my best game face on and greet the newly weds while looking intently at the guy expecting him to react the same way I imagined. Am I sounding bitter now? Maybe not attending at all is a better option. No reasons for them to invite me anyway and no chances for any seed of bitterness within my heart to be liberated. Hoping someday, all the pain that is there no matter how small will be the one that will go away. 

Shapes and Shades

Up until a few months ago, I was convinced with the idea that being an isko or an iska is a guarantee that you are better exposed and more aware of the array of life. Having tagged ourselves as the cream of the crop and also as a progressive breed, we among all the academic institutions are the best examples of what open-mindedness can really become. My university life actually deconstructed my idea of conservatism as the conservatives we have at the university are a far cry from those outside. I have embraced my sexuality because of these beliefs.Little do I know that I am bound to be disappointed by this expectation tagged at most iskos. 

Imagine the shock I had when I learned that an anti-gay crusade pitched against me is being masterminded by a fellow iska. I have been through a lot of crusades against homosexuals and have managed to survive them all. For most of those I have encountered are waged by religious fanatics and bordering hypocrites. I even had one crush whom I professed love and who advised me in response that God has better plans for us. If all rejections are wrapped this way, I will not mind having them everyday. I also do not mind dismissing these detractors for I understand deeply where they are coming from.

I can not seem to find the source of motivation for this fellow iska. At every opportunity she gets, she will be ranting at how having a homosexual in an organization corrupt morals, image and decency. Are the gays rare during her prime that she is not aware of the fact that gays are just like bitches who come in various shades and shapes? I have not read a single scientific paper equating homosexuality with lack of decency, propriety, morality and whatever dogma they want to believe on but fail to act out. What is surprising is she gets to have some people agree of her bidding.

Just like gays, iskos and iskas come in various shades and shapes too. Hers is swinnish with the dominant color black. If I may borrow a line from a NA movie, "may sakit ang Diyos nung pinanganak ka."

Emancipation

It is always said that the best measure of how you love someone is how easily you can let them go despite loving them so much. Without selfishness, it is always possible to let go of someone even if they have occupied special compartments in our lives. This Yuletide season I look back and realize that letting go is the best gift I have ever given to a friend.

The isolation in an island creates more opportunities for an individual to ponder up on things- to be more reflective. It is on that same state I am in now. For the first time, I am reflective yet not regretful of how I steered my life this year. Living in isolation makes you appreciate minute details- that within huge mess ups are small reasons to be happy. It is during this reflective state that I have thought of the moments where I have bestowed my best of gifts.

I left my job about two months away from Christmas. Initially I have thought that I am only doing it to advance my interests, now I have thought that there are other reasons. I know they are grateful that I have finally voluntarily vacated a post that has long been consuming expenses yet not putting in return. I do admit to that fact given the peculiar set-up of where I used to be employed.

I bade goodbye to an old love this year- for the last time. I have hurt him in the past for very selfish reasons. I have easily done that yet have painstakingly made lame efforts to ask for forgiveness. His demise reminded me of how late things can be if left for tomorrow. He gave me the gift of freedom and I gave him the gift of eternity in my memories.

I also severed ties with an old friend. Maybe now my friend will not understand it but in the future she will. Painful as it is but it is worth the thought that a person dear to you is free from the shackles of the dark past. We can never move on with some fragments of the dark side passively threatening to spoil what we enjoy now. I have given her the gift of freedom and she has given me the gift of being part of her colorful life. We all have that friend we will regret losing and the only things we can hope is for them to find better friends who can occupy the void we vacated.