Hearts Sickness

The cold winds may have stopped with the passing of the Yuletide season but certainly, some winds are blowing hard this February making some hearts shiver in the cold. Either they have no homes to go to, no fireplaces to warm them, no arms to warm them, or are just left there outside in the cold.

I may blame the observance of the month of hearts this February that a lot of these hearts suddenly become aware of the loneliness and the miseries of being alone and missing out the real fun that comes from it. Added reason can be the outgoing prolonged observation of the Yuletide season that promotes the idea of malamig na Pasko. I believe it is overly patronized that Christmas should be spent with your love ones and that celebrating it alone is a big social dysfunction. I think not because the celebrations are also meant for singles to reflect how God blesses them with the comfort of being single. Having no one to think of besides yourself, having no one to devote your resources aside from your needs and most specially no one else to love but yourself. It is not exactly being selfish and self-centered because such mechanism is intended to mold, instill and store love inside a single person so that when the time comes when you find that better half- you are not amateur anymore on the aspect of love.

For it all begins with loving yourself and giving premium importance to your existence. Loneliness is not the absence of company but the absence of optimism to make most of what you have and be contented.

Looking Behind

It took me few days after the first day of the year 2012 before I am able to look back to the year where I almost reached my limits. For the first time in my life, it was on this year that I felt extreme physical, mental and emotional stress. I have no one to blame for I have brought this to myself.

From the start of the year, I am at a light disposition for I am at a realatively light job  and that changes that would change my flow was not see as imminent. Maybe it was during the mid of the year that my determination placed me ahead of my capacity. Now that I look back at how I managed to work full-time while working part time on the side and studying on top of it, I can congratulate myself. I have done what I have dreamt of doing but I left myself scarred and too tired to move on. It was all these activities that hastily exhausted all my reserved enthusiasm which could have lasted for years.

But I do not have regrets for pressing fast forward on the flow of my life. I do not feel it made me less of a person to let go of people who at times helped me make through all these ordeal but at the same time serves as my emotional baggage. I do not have regrets but I feel exhausted. Yes I am tired but not tired enough to turn all these things I have started into reality. 

Christmas solitaires

I am often wondering why a lot of my single friends would lament of "cold " Christmases while in fact that is absolutely normal since the weather is really very cold at this month so whether you are with someone or not- there is no doubt you will feel the cold. I for one have experienced some seasons where I am single but I never found it that cold to be unbearable. For a hot country like the Philippines, it is a breather when it starts to cool down on the ber months.

Working in the city away from the parents makes the season more cold but nonetheless an experience that would make you realize how much you value your family. Its been two years since I was with my family and it is a bit difficult to imagine how our home looks like after two years. Of course I have met my family in baguio onm several occassions but the thought that we are all together at home gives a different touch to the memory. I would say that I am a bit sad on those moments but the solitude also gave me time to serve the Lord. That I believe is as good as me at home.

Have a merry merry Christmas

Walking with Angels

I walked with an angel today.. in Greenhills and at the Mega Mall. I even ate lunch with one. Maybe they do come out and walk among us every Christmas.

I ate a sumptous meal with a friend a while ago at the AMICI restaurant located at the atrium of SM Mega mall. I always place Avenettos as the benchmark for italian restaurants in the Philippines as it is the sole restaurant I have been where Italian dishes are served quite near its original identity. However, I was surprised to find that the Amici restaurant is also a good choice given the quality of the taste of their dishes. More that that, their serving size is also good for the price. I would definitely endorse Amici to those who want near authentic Italian dishes.

Now you may be confused where I am going with the angel thingy and then jumping abruptly to eating at an Italian restaurant. Well let me clear your mind. Walking at Greenhills this morning, I came across a woman who is bringing his seemingly senile husband for a holiday shopping. I am sure they are not that rich but would have saved much for the shopping spree. The old man is quite unreasonable and started to act childish. While walking, the old man toppled some wares which came scattered on the floor. From experince, either the owner of the stall or the companion will be angry at the clumsiness of the perpetrator whether it be an old man or a child. I was surprised to see the old woman calm the old man and then apologetically picked up the wares even at the expense of her back probably pestered with arthritis. More to my surprise, the owner of the stall apologized that her wares are blocking the way. It left me wondering if this is what Christmas makes of us.

Moving to Mega mall where I went next, I met a handsome man and he looks like an angel.. Like how shallow can I turn to.. Pardon me. Well still today, I walked with angels whatever form they may be..

Maple Leaves and Promises

Everyone would probably remember their first experiment on the density or for volume where the teacher would instruct the students to fill a container with water, measure it and then place an object, take it out and then measure again the level of the water. The displacement in the water is said to be the density of the object. I may not be able to recall exactly if that was the concept or the terminology but I am always fascinated by how another object displaces another.

Over the past tumultuous relationships where I am always left behind to wallow on the pain of broken dreams and plans I believe the idea of displacement kept me sane. I came to adapt with that predicament with the thought that in order to replace what was removed, you merely need to replace it with something of equal or greater size.

A lot of years have passed and I am still full with bitterness compiled from every failed relationship I had. Maybe I never stopped loving them all- maybe I never totally forgot. I may have kept them in their individual boxes only to be liberated once you come across instances that refreshes the filaments of memories.

Miss Stress

Whether on fairytales or on the local TV soap operas, mistresses are portrayed as bad people ruining lives, promises and dreams. To prove that indeed it is a very marketable idea to the people, the recent movie of Anne Curtis featuring a love triangle involving a couple and another woman drew a lot of enthusiasm from the viewing public. Even the usual love stories being shown today on almost all media would involve the OTHER Man/Woman that would either mess up the potentiality of a relationship or who would later on give in to the realization that he/she will never be completely happy with someone who will never be able to love him/her back.

It is then a battle of the good versus the evil; the mistresses being the evil breed. Ironic that the mistress is portrayed as the evil kind yet the populace willingly embraces every portrayal as if it is an acceptable role in the society. Very convenient and easy to portray that being a mistress or having one in secret is an enjoyable and an easy thing- something that anyone can engage into and get off easily. I would however doubt that whoever spawned that idea may not have been a mistress even once in their lifetime. It is unlike other experiences that you get the grasp of the whole concept/experience only by reading it or hearing some stories from friends. Being a mistress is a unique experience- an experience filled with stress.

Every mistress has her own version of the reason why she settled for such situation. To make the context more accurate , I would put a he/she item on the term mistress as there are growing cases transcending gender and sex. If it was complicated when only the 2 sexes were involved what more if we add more varieties to the story.What the huge part of the populace might be of the usual kabit who is likely to be described as prettier, sexier, sex-oriented, needy of money or other what not compared to the wife. Yet I know of a lot of true stories relating to the husband being a closet and having his kumpare as his "mistress".

How about the story of a gay who fell in love with a man who is originally married but is currently not together with the wife who cheated on him and eloped with a richer man. A rich married man left with a kid to raise and afraid to love and be cheated anymore- a man who settled for casual sex to kill the incessant urges of the flesh. Now came a gay who offered both the comfort of a relationship and the liberty to continue the casual sex engagements. Is the gay a mistress given that the man is still married? 

I have actually said a lot without discussing my knowledge of the case. But I will leave this post as is because as I have said before, the story of a mistress is very complex.

Picking Up the Pieces

I would call ours as the wierdest relationship one can get into. For almost 6 months now, we have managed to be mum about the status of our relationship and even evaded suspicion regarding its existence. I am happy with the set-up because we are kept safe of all the biases of the people around us. The nature of our jobs even makes it favorable to be on a covert status.

It is however difficult on the sense that also the happy moments that must be proudly shared with the other people are kept in the dark and far away from the judging eyes. My relationship involves an older man I am not actually sure if he is married or not or in a deep commitment with someone else. Maybe it is all true the thing they say about love, that once you are smitten, there is no turning back. Come hell or high water, people blinded by love tend to brave it. As for me, I always stick with who I am- crossing bridges when I come across it but making sure I have my safety jacket with me should those bridges collase under my feet.