An Open Letter to My Former Residents

Dear Former Residents,

Since open house ng Kalai ngayon at uso naman ang mga open letters, pagbigyan niyo na ito.

Kuya Kim, Madamme Kim, Madam, Donya Kim ... and all those titles given behind my back might be the name you remember me. Siguro ilan sa inyo di niyo na ako maalala bilang naging bahagi ng masalimuot na buhay ninyo sa unibersidad. When I decided to be an RA at Kalayaan, I never thought that it would be a great responsibility. May mga magulang na sobrang makapamper sa mga anak ang pinagkatiwala ang mga anak sa amin na bantayan at arugain bilang mga tunay na kapatid. May mga ilan din namang mga magulang ang wala masyadong pakialam at siguroy iniisip na may taong gagabay sa anak na iniwan nila sa isang pang freshmang dorm sa UP. Naway napunan ko ng kahit na kaunti ang responsibilidad na naiatang noon.

Looking back, my stay as an RA sa Kalai is one of the most colorful pages in my college life. Sana pag nagbabalik tanaw kayo sa inyong freshman year, sana hindi ang aking mga paghihigpit sa bedcheck, pagtataray sa corridor meeting, pag oorganize ng mga walang kuwentang activities, pagkanta ng malakas sa shower o madalas na pangookray hindi lamang sa inyo kundi sa kung sino mang mapadaan ang maalala ninyo sa akin. Given na maalala ninyo ako. hahahha

Sana maalala ninyo ako gaya ng pagkain sa Glorias na kahit di naman kasarapan ay naitawid kayo sa gutom at nabigyan din ng sustansiya. Sana makita ninyo na sa kahit gabundok na basurang pinauso ko ay may kaunting aral na mapupulot. I will always remember each and everyone of you with fondness for I have given it my all. Whether you like it or not, you have taken a part of me when you stayed under my wing for a sem or two . I hope you saw right through the comedian and saw someone credible and a potential source of inspiration. If hindi talaga pasok ang inspiration, a warning perhaps haha #charot.

Ilang taon na nga ba ang nakalipas noong kayo ay freshmen? Ilang taon na nga ba noong huli tayong magkita? Ilan sa inyo ay nakakasalubong ko pa paminsan. Ilan sa inyo ay di ko na makita matapos mag check out sa Kalai. Hindi ko man batid whatever happened to you in life, I wish you all the best in life. Entitled or not, I always feel proud at what you achieve. Sabi nga ni Maricel Soriano sa  pelikulang Bahay Kubo, "lahat kayo magkakapatid, lahat kayo mga anak ko. Galing kayong lahat sa puso ko". #award

Missing you,

Kuya Kim

Sperm Donors Anyone??

I suddenly wanted to have my own child. How to do that is still a question I cannot answer as of this writing.

We were doing a set with the songs from the movie Mama Mia and I was tasked to sing the song “Slipping Through My Fingers”. As I am relatively young, I am not familiar with the ABBA songs aside from Winner Takes it All and the all-time videoke favorite Dancing Queen. I needed to listen to the song for half a day before becoming confident that I can sing it in front of a crowd.

The Slipping Through My Fingers song is one of those sounds that you wish today’s generation of music can produce. It has some depth and real emotions to it. It is not just about the storytelling but it is more of the fact that all the lyrics were perhaps carefully thought to carry meaning on it’s own.

I cannot help but feel emotional after realizing what the song is all about. I initially thought it is all about a broken love and the art of letting go but it is much more than that. The song is all about those parents who watch their children mature and go on their own. Almost all my siblings are gone out of the house and pursuing our separate lives. Only two remain and are bound to follow suit after finishing college.

I never realized that parenting could be that emotionally taxing- raising someone and then watch him or her go sometimes without even the simplest gesture of gratitude. It is never an excuse that my mother is a teacher and that she is used to nurturing people and then watch them go.  No amount of preparation will ever make one ready.

I believe what matters most will not be that feeling of pain of getting left behind but more the feeling of fulfillment and pride of having raised a child. What more if those kids accomplished a lot in life. I will not pretend to be aware of the intensity of that feeling of pride. No pain and no gain it maybe but the rewards far outweigh the necessary disadvantages. For that I am willing to take the risk and explore the happiness brought about by parenthood. 

Those Days

These days I am swamped with a lot of things to do. Extreme is the condition that I sometimes skip my meals. Old me would find that unthinkable. Swamped with the workload and seeing no relief in the near future. Must have been the pay I thought but the level of stress keeps reminding me how such stress can never be compensated. They say getting stressed is a choice but I am getting paid to make that choice.

It is on tough days that I recall the days when I was earning very little above the minimum. I wonder how an ambitious and idealistic fresh graduate settled for that-of course I know pretty well why. Food and accommodation then were minimal, transportation not an issue, the workplace looks up to you as if you are a prized genius and to top it all- you get to work with awesome people.

Where can you find  a place where lunch can go down to a peso? or that the groceries get a fixed discount much larger than those offered by the bonus brand? What work will allow you to be yourself and say things as you see it? What office will you go to and do not feel at work but at home? But I love the work not just for the perks it gave but mostly because of the lessons of self worth I learned from it.

Of course there were numerous times that were difficult but I can easily trade those to the countless memories of laughter and friendship. Some of those I worked with might not remember me at all but all that matters is there are those few gems who do. I admit that I miss that easy life when I come across these difficulties. I ask myself what could have been the present me should I have opted to stay. I can only guess. I may have these regrets and fits of "what ifs"but what would matter is I met all those wonderful people and hopefully made a memory in their lives. Those were the days.

Emulate

I must thank my professor for instilling in me how it is to be grateful of what you have and be the primary fan of your own achievements. He further said that we must however always counter our self-directed fanaticism with the reality. Without these words, I might have found myself pitiful a long time ago.

Just recently, an interviewer asked whether I find myself successful and I said yes. He asked for reasons why I said so and I mentioned that most of the plans I have plotted were realized and I see that the near future plans are currently on the works. He then asked if someone else appreciates that fact and that question stuck for at that moment I do not have an answer.

There was a time when I have eagerly waited for invitations to make inspirational talks-graduations maybe or career orientations or practicums. Nothing came and I just though that I might have been too young to be seen as a likely model of success. I waited some more with this secret wish that invitations will come. Nothing came but it was ok.

It was in my MBA class for Personality development that our professor taught me words that have changed how I view success. I have stopped seeing it using the expectation of others as a yardstick whether I reached my goals or I fell short. For success rooted at the expectations of others are other people's success- they have succeeded in charting your course to their liking. Success must have sprouted from our personal desires. When you are happy and content at what you have, what others think just become secondary. Maybe in the future, invitations will come and I know pretty well what I will be sharing to inspire- that you must never mistake success with recognition.

First Honor

Para sa isang musmos, mistulang isang biyaya ang pagkakaroon ng mga karangalan habang ikaw ay nag-aaral pa. Sa iyong pagtanda at pagkatapos ng ilang taon mula sa pag-aaral, mararamdaman mong ang mga ito'y kalakip palang bigat. Minsan ito ang nagtutulak sa atin para magtagumpay ngunit may mga pagkakataon ding ito ang nagiging paala-ala sa ating mga kabiguan. 

Kung iyong aaalalahanin kung sino ang naging first honor noong nagtapos kayo noong elementarya o di kaya ay noong secondarya, ang malimit na tanong ay " Saan na kaya siya?', "Ano na kaya siya ngayon?". Iisiping kadalasan na maaring sila ay nagtagumapay sa kanilang buhay at karera sapagkat noong kayo ay mga mag-aaral pa lamang ay sila na ang tinitingala. Ngunit ganoon nga ba ang nangyayari?

Nagmula ako sa maliit na pamayanan kung saan ang mga nagiging kamag-aral mo sa elementarya ay siya ding magiging kamag-aral mo hanggang secondarya. Kilala ninyo ang bawat isa at maaring hanggang kolehiyo ay alam niyo pa din ang balita sa isa't-isa. Kung titignan ko lahat ang mga naging first honor mula sa aking maliit na paaralan, maari kong sabihin na sa kanilang mga klase, hindi sila ang naging pinakatagumpay.

Mula sa punto de bista ng isang ordinaryong kamag-aral maaring nakakainggit naman ang first honor na ito sapagkat sila ang mga may pagkakataong bigyan ng katupan ang pangarap sa mas malalaki at kilalang mga unibersidad. Maaring gamiting puhunan ang pagiging first honor para makapasok sa mas magagandang mga paaralan. Ngunit paano kaya ang sa punto de bista ng isang first honor? Hindi kaya masyadong mabigat kasi inaasahan nilang lahat na ikaw ay magtatagumpay? Ano kaya ang kahihinatnan kapag nasa loob ka na ng kilalang unibersidad kung saan ang galing mo at talino ay sa ordinaryo lamang? Ang mga first honor ay hindi sanay na bumabagsak kaya ano kayang bigat ng kabiguan ang tatama sa kanila sakaling ito ay kanilang mapagdaanan?

May mga kilala akong mga tao na ordinaryo lamang noong makatapos noong secondarya ngunit matatagumpay na ngayon. Ang ilan sa kanila ay karaniwang pakutyang linya ang "Nasaan na ba yung mga honor noon?". Mistulang may pagkaka utang o pagkakasala  ang first honor noon sa kanila? Kasalanan ba nila kung ninais na lamang nilang mamuhay ng payak at tahakin ang mas simpleng buhay? Ngunit ang hirap ipaliwanag na ang bawat tao ay may kanya-kanyang sukatan ng tagumpay. Kahit mga first honor ay tao lamang. 

Happy Valentines Ja

I am convinced that I am destined to love a J. Most if not all of my few love interests are J's. Now that I think of it, I am wondering whether  I have been conditioned to be so. That will not be a wonder though for in the alphabet K(im) stands closely to the J. Does it follow that K will always be after J? 

I should thank these few Js because they have been instrumental to my emotional maturity. My high school J inspired me to sail through academics and the surge of teeny emotions. He made me stoic. My college J remains to be my eternal crush. He inspired me to be faithful. Across those relationships, I have always been loyal to the memory of him. The post college J served as my mentor in getting through the idealism of fresh gradutes. He guided me by putting a little direction to my once messy plans in life.

These Js are not bad at all. In fact they are good players in their own game- smart, articulate, decisive and good looking if you may ask. They deserve only the best. Sad to say that the best of me can never be fit for them for they are mere mortals. My Jupiter might be waiting for this lady to be home in Olympus. Maybe just maybe. 

Discrimination Begins at Home

What hurts the most if you are gay is to find your immediate family discriminating you. I am ever grateful that my family is ever supportive of what I am and what I do. Having grown in a society where gays are frowned upon, I am thankful that I was spared from more painful memories. Not that I do not have my share of sad stories related to my gender but at least the support shown by my family cushioned it a lot.

I was reading through the anecdotes of the just concluded town fiesta of my hometown when I came across a post of some boys dancing with skirts on. Cross dressing is always a hit and I appreciate it that the presentations at the town gathering included such activities that normalize such practice. What infuriated me were the comments of some people I know. They mentioned names of gays at a very demeaning tone. Much more, these gays are even their relatives. Even if that was not me, it hurts to find the very people you expect to understand you the very people who initiates an avenue for ridicule. 

Let us not blame the remoteness of our town to the backwardness of our understanding towards gender.  As a tourist destination, we are exposed to an overdose of culture, personalities, practices, quirks and gender. We have long been connected to the mainstream media and that internet is not just a thing to imagine. What is stopping us from evolving from the culture of discrimination.

The comments of those few are not my only indicators of what I claim as a traditional discrimination of my kind. There are a lot more. Getting discriminated from a discriminated community doubles the pain. Will there be a time when we as a community can treat each other as equals? I hope I can see that in my lifetime- for I am definitely working my butt off to be at par with the best of the heterosexuals. Call it over compensation but for me it is just doing my part.