Emancipation

It is always said that the best measure of how you love someone is how easily you can let them go despite loving them so much. Without selfishness, it is always possible to let go of someone even if they have occupied special compartments in our lives. This Yuletide season I look back and realize that letting go is the best gift I have ever given to a friend.

The isolation in an island creates more opportunities for an individual to ponder up on things- to be more reflective. It is on that same state I am in now. For the first time, I am reflective yet not regretful of how I steered my life this year. Living in isolation makes you appreciate minute details- that within huge mess ups are small reasons to be happy. It is during this reflective state that I have thought of the moments where I have bestowed my best of gifts.

I left my job about two months away from Christmas. Initially I have thought that I am only doing it to advance my interests, now I have thought that there are other reasons. I know they are grateful that I have finally voluntarily vacated a post that has long been consuming expenses yet not putting in return. I do admit to that fact given the peculiar set-up of where I used to be employed.

I bade goodbye to an old love this year- for the last time. I have hurt him in the past for very selfish reasons. I have easily done that yet have painstakingly made lame efforts to ask for forgiveness. His demise reminded me of how late things can be if left for tomorrow. He gave me the gift of freedom and I gave him the gift of eternity in my memories.

I also severed ties with an old friend. Maybe now my friend will not understand it but in the future she will. Painful as it is but it is worth the thought that a person dear to you is free from the shackles of the dark past. We can never move on with some fragments of the dark side passively threatening to spoil what we enjoy now. I have given her the gift of freedom and she has given me the gift of being part of her colorful life. We all have that friend we will regret losing and the only things we can hope is for them to find better friends who can occupy the void we vacated. 

Open Doors and Little Glasses

Back in my undergraduate years, I have this burning desire to graduate and find a job. Way back then there were no stronger desires than finding a job that will make me happy. Now I have one and had two other good jobs before yet I can not find that level of satisfaction I have once imagined to be present. Maybe those younger dreams are pushed by the desire to be out in the world and conquer harder challenges. Indeed, being part of the workforce is a harder challenge- boss being so demanding, people too judging, no sense of fulfillment and achievement and disproportionate compensation for the effort spent. 

I am in my mid-twenties and my friends usually ask me why am I still studying. I give a simple answer- to find some source of fulfillment and self worth.  As slaves of this capitalist world, we strive and give our best and what do we get in return? material compensation that can not buy a lot of things. Happiness, satisfaction, security, love and all the other things that we feel are missing in our lives. We end up straining ourselves only to find out that what we have worked for is not giving the returns we are expecting. There is also the fact that office rules and regulations are sometimes too restricting. Maybe studying in a liberal school made me uncomfortable of these discriminating restrictions.

Today I submitted a half-baked research paper for my final exams. Half-baked it is yet I am sure that I will be happy with the grade that I will receive because it would be commensurate of what I have exerted. So much fairness isn't it? When at work, do you always feel that? Do you always get the credit you deserve? Are you never sick of office politics? If working is a big glass and satisfaction is the water that would fill it, I can never fill it up in one go.

Trust Issues

There is an adage talking about the need to keep your enemies closer than your friends. I find that very correct but I find it more important to keep your friends close because they just might be your enemies. I have fielded a partially-bogus rant on my FB status recently and it elicited some reactions that tested friendship. This is the last chance I am giving to one friend to show her loyalty. Time and again, this friend proved to be an unreliable and an untrustworthy person. Sad but indeed, this last thread broken severed all ties with that person. I was hoping against that, but reality bites and it bites hard.

I hope that through this post, we learn to doubt our friends. Doubting them does not mean that we do not love them. It only means that we trust ourselves better and everyone needs to save a part of them private. Friendship does not require opening up everything to them and leaving you vulnerable to their judgement. Their judgement can lead them to share everything to others or it may lead them to form incorrect opinions of you. Many friendships are marred by gossip and lack of confidentiality, I personally think it is better to keep it all inside to avoid such complications. Then again some would say that the misunderstandings are part of the whole idea of friendship. That one will never fully appreciate friendship unless they experience the painful side of it. For me it is just on a case to case basis, I have tried to trust friends who have repeatedly caused me pain and what do I get? more pain and no gain? so where is that bullshit stuff of finding deeper and stronger friendship by allowing pain once in a while?

Family matters most. You quarrel and have some misunderstandings but at the end of the day you will always find it in your heart to forgive and let go. Friends rarely do that. Even if they say that they have forgiven you or have forgotten about the understanding, there will always be the trust issue that will undermine the relationship. The trust issue will always pop out and be a reminder of what one did. People see me as the gossiping and talkative type but I do value my privacy greatly. A part of me is kept private and the pieces of information I confide to friends is expected to be kept private.

Every time you share something to a friend, be a little paranoid and place some indicators. If those indicators will be passed on to someone, then it is sure that the sharing was shared. Try this little experiment and check how many of your friends are real.True friendship is very rare-treasure it if you have one.

Constellations

Today I am making another brave move in my career. One month from now I am again moving to a new job. Three years since I graduated from college and I already had around 6 jobs- 3 of them full time. My first job is into government service, the second job is into research and marketing and the most recent into training and development. I would often ask myself two questions, what direction am I trying to pursue and when will I settle down?  Even my family seems to be used to my usual movement from an employment to another that is why they just leave me to my decisions. 

I have various valid reasons why I move ranging from graduate school research projects to the petty generic reason of not-happy-with-what-you-are-doing while in fact the real reason is your dissatisfaction of the compensation. Satisfaction is such an elusive word that I can't seem to find. I try to stick with a job and keep in mind that the movement might send the wrong signal to any future employer but my confidence is saying that I have evaded that a lot of times, what about doing it again. 

But my movement now is different, it is a job that will pay homage to what I have been groomed to be. Every time I meet my former college classmates, they will share their experiences in the hospitality industry and I just smile. I am an outsider because I have worked in various industries but never where I was initially intended to be.I would want to give it a chance before saying that I am never meant for the craft. I still love Carl Jung and Myers-Briggs but I can set them aside for the search of myself. This is somethng bigger now, not just to go back to where I am intended to be but to try if what I am current pursuing is what is meant for me. This venture is aimed at hitting two birds with one large pebble.

I will never regret that I was exposed to my former jobs. I have learned very valuable reasons from them that have molded the skill sets I currently have. I am sure that someday it will all make sense. I will look with wisdom at all the points I have stopped in my career. I would like to look at those points in my life like the stars forming a constellation. Even if in reality they are light years away from each other, they appear to the eye as one beauty.

It is a given that the beauty is me. 

Arrivederci

Something is lost today. I do not have the usual energy to go about my job. I do not have the drive to open my computer and start with my daily task. I have lost my enthusiasm to greet everyone along the way. I have lost the appetite to eat a morning snack. These things are very unsettling given that it is my motto to always start a day with a bang. So why am I not motivated to go about with the job or greet my co-employees with the usual enthusiasm or to take that usual snack? I lost something today.

In the past 2 years I have lost my phone and it took me an hour to get over it. My laptop broke down with all my thesis files and it took me about half day to get over it. A doze of my favorite food or an hour on the videoke machine can draw away my attention from these losses. Just that now, even if there would be a perpetual flow of my favorite food or I sing my heart out on the multiplex these sadness just won't go away.

I am not sure why this sadness is this stubborn. Being the gregarious type, I am not used to sulking and keeping the thing to myself. But how can I share it with others if I do not understand it myself. I do not understand why I am that affected given that there are no formal reasons to be so. Maybe I just loved the idea so much that is why I feel like a widow today.

Chasing Afterglows

It is bad when you are all used to the attention and then you are introduced to a bigger world and then you are just a face in the crowd. Studying in UP is like that. Brilliant and outstanding students in their own small worlds introduced to a bigger world where brilliance is just a common thing. Some of us can make it through the transition and move on but there are some who deny the fact and create a fantasy world where they still reign.

Pity is what I feel for this friend who after years in UP, in the industry and in life; is still not able to get through that delusion. For me it is a childish thing to dwell and rely on those small achievements and recognitions as measures of worth. I think that as we mature, so should our measures of fulfillment and success.If you compare your present self to your old self, don't you get disappointed that your goals never changed?

This friend of mine seems to have grown in their locality as the darling of the crowd. She is used to the attention, affection and admiration from the people around her. She is the bright student, she is the pretty girl, she is a catch.... the list may be endless of her admirable traits. But that is on a micro point of view for when she is with other people, I find nothing special. I am with keeping the confidence and faith that you are special but exceedingly doing so is disturbing.

She ended up going out with some guys, going steady with one but keeps the others around. I can not find a good explanation why she does that. She says that she was just being nice with the guys who were nice with her but would that justify that? She will cry at the infidelity and shortcomings of her partner yet she did not consider how she flirts whenever the guy is out of sight. Flirting is flirting no matter how good you coat it. Loyalty is fiction for her yet she desires every friend to always stand by her side.

She is also very commendable in brewing stories just to be able to control people. She will claim that she is sick, she is pregnant, she met an accident, she will claim that she is with this problem so as to solicit the sympathy. I have witnessed so many times how she twisted people with that style. I confronted her once and she told me I was just envious. That made me think hard. Am I? Envious of what? What does she have? Boys who are not serious with her, a weak connection with siblings, a weak foundation with friends and a directionless career.

In every place we find these organisms trapped in their small worlds. They are ever pretending to be something yet they are nothing.  I think they are missing the essence of growing- to appreciate and discover a wider world. Why measure your life using the lives of others as a yardstick?

Twilight Zone

I can not recall how many posts on Facebook have I placed my comment voicing out my stand on the recent bombings in my hometown. For me, it is wrong to place the blame solely on one side. Whether it was the military or the other side that instigated the violence, the final question is who are the real victims. Ironic that both sides claim to be fighting for the people yet they are breaking this very same claim when they clashed in plain view of some of the northern barangays. I believe no amount of money can be equated to quantify the fear, the terror, and the restlessness  of the people from these communities.

The incident further pushes me to doubt the Indigenous Peoples Rights Act. The IPRA defines the ancestral domain and empowers the IP to manage it. In the security sphere, the idea of a peace zone is indeed a good way to evade violence. This is a classic example of learning from the past. The once mighty Igorots with the lineage of  headhunters opted to choose the peaceful way. The choice is guided by the wisdom of the past. If the IPs are the rightful owners of the land, then why can't they demand both sides to relocate their conflict elsewhere? But of course that is the ideal scenario that will hardly come true.

It is just so sad that the community gets what it does not deserve. When elements of both sides visit the communities, the people are always warm and they welcome them. We treat them as visitors so is it right to expose the community to such violence? I think it is a bit unfair. There may be no physical wounds but the social and psychological cracks will take years to heal.

God bless us all.
 

Security and Insecurity

A job is like a boyfriend- all covered with securities and insecurities. You invest all your efforts and emotions hoping in the future that it will be reciprocated. The very reason why I likened this relationship to a job is that I do not believe romantic relationships can survive only through selflessness. Why do we have the courage to put most of our everything? Why do we fear to do so? 

If indeed there is a formula then we will not be hounded by pangs of insecurity.

During a late lunch with some of my closest friends last Saturday, we talked a lot about our current jobs. Why are we satisfied and why we think of moving on to better jobs. It makes me think most of the time whether the blame is personal or institutional. Personal maybe because we are never contented with the pay, we are not contented with the job or we just want to be in a job where there is lesser pressure. Institutional maybe because of the stability, the general environment, or the career path it offers to its employees. We have a mix of these reasons that is why I can not pin point the reason why.

Are you happy with your job? Are you happy with your boyfriend?

No you are not so you start making suspicions. Soon these suspicions will not be suspicions to you but are true. Congratulations to you for convincing yourself that your suspicions are true even with the flimsiest indirect evidence.  Same thing with your job, small things that are negligible are turned into nightmares and reasons why you can not go on with your job.

Yes you are so give more of what you have already given until you are no longer contented with what you get in return. Most people are very selfish beings. 

Security is not the absence of insecurity but the the absence of the capacity to be human. 

Oh my that is just me typing random thoughts non-stop for 8 minutes.

Love starts with an L

Memories came like an avalanche this week. It swept the landscape and left me wondering what good does reservation bring.

So many years ago when I was still a freshman, I developed an infatuation with a guy from down south. Just that I can not express it for some reasons. First because he is always with a schoolmate of his that appeared to be his girlfriend at that time. Second because I was obsessed with another guy and that it would appear that making people know that I admire multiple guys would lead them to judge me as no different from those parlor gays. Third because I have to keep my reservations. I may be loud and confident on most occasions but I am very reserved around guys. It is my self-made notion of the mechanism to send the message to guys that I am an NOT an easy one. I am very mad at the idea that gays are stereotyped  as people who are generally lustful and would jump at every opportunity the male breed would offer.

A few years ago, I met a very mysterious person who once again captured my attention. He is of the serious type so I was surprised that he took time to indulge in a very soft and humorous flirtation with me. We both know that that is nothing serious but I forgot that after sometime and lost myself in his mysterious smile. The natural thing for me to do is to clam up and do a cover up. I ended up hurting myself and maybe him in the process due to my very rude and crude treatment.


After all these years what have I gained from refusing the truth? From concealing what I really feel? Coldness and insincerity. I learned to lie a lot to compartmentalize my life. Charot. Good thing is- no matter how alone I seem to be now, I am still a virgin. We come rare these days. 

The Selfish Heart

I have neglected this blog for a long time due to my hectic schedule (full time job, 18 units on 2 graduate school, and some organizations) and have finally thought of visiting it just this once to have a venue for me to vent out my frustrations. This blog always served me that reason and it never failed to relieve me of the pain or anxiety that I feel prior to publishing a blog entry. The past month is a horror for me. Ever had that moment when think you are very sure and then out comes the distraction that will rock every decision and uproot all plans? It came to me last week. I am currently with the best man now and i am thinking of sticking to him for keeps- at least thats what i thought of in the past two years. Out came the surprise when i found out that an old love of mine resurfaced with an old friend in his arms. Worst is it affected me big time. I feel guilty and i thought that venting it out here might help me think of the situation better and formulate courses of actions that are fair to everyone involved.

True enough, nirvana came to me as i opened this blogging site. There i was angry at a petty heart confusion case and here is a friend emotionally battered by the fact that he is now completely aware of the case of his daughter. This friend is close to me including the lovely family he has. All my pain were washed away upon reading his blog. Such raw emotions and pain of a father is gigantic compared to the emotional shocks i am currently encountering. It made me think why am i not grateful with the wonderful man that came to my life while this father despite a broken heart, makes the most out of the situation. His blog showed me the volatility of life. I am not just inspired to mend my relationship with my current partner but i am inspired to do it to every person i value.

The past is witness to how cold i am to people around me. I am always chasing a star that i have given different names. The star is ever elusive and so is the happiness and fulfilment that i attached with it. His blog changed my perspective in life. Value life by living it to the fullest. Why put off things that can be done today for tomorrow? tomorrow might not come.